Stephenie Meyer and the Renegade Characters
by browniechadowes
Summary: Stephenie gets a little annoyed when her characters try to alter/comment on her novel, Twilight. Rated M for language mainly due in part to Jessica's inner dialogue
1. ReBellIon

I do not own Twilight or its characters… or Stephenie Meyer. I do, however, own all the snarky comments in this condensation.

**Re-Bell-Ion**

**Bella: **Ya, this moment right now… well it really bites. Mwa ha, made a pun, but in all seriousness, having a hungry bastard of a vampire in front of you = pretty scary. Had to fucking fall in love with a -

**Stephenie Meyer:** *clears throat* Bella, we talked about this. You can't just come up with whatever crap you want to spill out there. The last time I checked, _my_ name was on the front of the books. I'm thinking _chagrin_, I'm thinking _masochistic_, gimme some teen angst.

**Bella:** (looking slightly put out) But that is complete bullshit. *looks at manuscript in hand* No one in their right mind would freaking say -

**Stephenie:** (wiggling her finger ominously over the backspace button) You know, I could just let my finger slip, and delete you all together…

**Martyr!Bella: ***deep sigh* When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.

**Stephenie:** *leaning back and smiling, she whispers* Yeeeeees, dance monkeys, dance.


	2. Edward's Embarrassing Fetish

**1. Edward's Embarrassing Fetish**

**browniechadowes:** Ok, so from now on, at the characters' request and with much protestation from Mrs. Meyer, what the characters are _actually_ thinking will be placed in italics.

**Stephenie:** *sticks out tongue and scowls*

---------------------------------------

**Renee:** Bella, you don't have to do this.

**Martyr!Bella:** I want to go. _Meh, Forks was going to suck, but it was a better alternative to watching my mom play cougar with her man toy. *shudders* I will never be able to use another loofa after what I walked in on them doing with it. AGHHH bad thoughts, bad thoughts! Think happy things. Bunnies! Sunshine! Ice cream… crap that one's ruined too._

**Renee:** Tell Charlie I said hi.

**Bella:** I will.

**Bella's inner monologue:** When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn't see it as an omen – just unavoidable. I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun. _Jesus, I can be really fucking melodramatic sometimes._

**Charlie:** It's good to see you, Bells. You haven't changed much. How's Renee?" _Mmmm, miss those times. That woman was a goddess with a loofa._

**Bella:** *looks awkwardly at Charlie's glazed-over eyes* Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad.

**Charlie:** I found a good car for you, really cheap.

**Bella:** What year is it?

**Charlie:** I think it was new in the early sixties – or late fifties at the earliest. _What? I'm not made of money!_..._ Terrible thought…Am horrible father. Oh God, am going to curl into the fetal position and cry when she's not looking._

**Bella:** How cheap is cheap? _This beast of a car better not cost me a penny._

**Charlie:** Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you.

**Bella:** You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car. _Whew, not a penny._

**UnrealisticTeen!Bella:** *sees the truck* Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks! _Why, God, why? First you turn my mom into a sexual deviant, causing me to move to a wet barren hell, and now I'm supposed to be freaking thrilled to have a vehicle that could have come straight out of The Grapes of Wrath? Nice._

Bella's first day at school:

**Eric:** You're Isabella Swan, aren't you? _Hot, hot, hot, hot… oh shit, think baseball, Roseanne, cold showers, Isabella in the shower… No!_

**Bella:** Bella *everyone turns to look at her* _Uggghhhh. I hate people. If I were Carrie I would use my telekinesis to kill you!_

**browniechadowes: **Sorry readers, had to put a Superstar quote in there.

**Eric:** (Under his breath) What a nice ass.

**Bella: **?

**Eric:** Uhhh, where's your next class?

In the cafeteria:

**Bella:** Who are they? *glances sideways at the beautiful boy, who was looking at his tray now, picking a bagel to pieces with long, pale fingers.*

**Jessica:** Those are the Cullens. _You are an idiot. I hate you. You are the pus in my pimple. You suck._

**Bella:** They are… very nice-looking. _Daaammmnnn I could tap that. Although I am still slightly disgruntled by the death of the bagel. Hmm, poor bagel._

**Jessica: **Yes! They're all _together_ though. _Die, bitch, die. You are the blood in my tampon._

**Bella:** Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair? _Why did he look so constipated?_

**Jessica:** That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him. _Ya, you whore. You are the fangirl to a shitty plot. Stay away… and then go kill yourself, pretty please with sugar on top?_

**DependentSwooner!Bella's inner monologue:** I bit my lip to hide my smile. Then I glanced at him again. His face was turned away, but I thought his cheek appeared lifted, as if he were smiling, too. _Good lord, am I really that desperate for him to like me? Note to self: This is the moment where I start becoming a dependent swooner. I hate dependent swooners._

**Stephenie: ***cackling*** **Swoon, my little puppet. Swooooon.

Biology:

**Bella's inner monologue:** He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face – it was hostile, furious. _Ya, well fuck you, too… but seriously, can I?I bet you'd be great with a loofa… Aghh, bad thoughts! _He was leaning away from me, averting his face like he smelled something bad. _Hey buddy, he who smelt it dealt it. I didn't think letting a little one slip would be that big of a deal. Besides, I literally doused myself with strawberry shampoo. Surely that masks it… maybe…no? Oh, I hate my life._

**Edward:** _Jesus Christ, you can't just let those out whenever. God, I have to sit through a whole period of this? She smells like a strawberry crapped on her… wait, oh no I'm getting vampire tingles. It can't be… who would have thought that poo smelling strawberries would be a turn-on? Oh it burns, and I LIKE IT! Must leave right when the bell rings, so no one can suspect my obsession. _*prances out of biology room*

**Bella's inner monologue:** He was so mean. It wasn't fair. _*stamps foot in head* No fair, no fair! Come back my love! And I need to get out of my own head. My Edward dependency-omiter is climbing, and my monologueing is getting out of control._

**Stephenie:** *pouts* But what else is going to move the plot forward?

**Mike:** Aren't you Isabella Swan? _Hot, hot, hot, hot… oh shit, think football, Rosie O'Donnell, my mom naked, Isabella naked, Isabella with my mom naked… No!_

**Bella:** Bella.

**Mike:** *under his breath* Do you need any help spanking that ass?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** Uhhh, Do you need any help finding your next class?

**Bella:** *ignoring glassed over perverted stare* I think I can find it.

In the office:

**Edward**_**:**__ AGGHHH! Not again. The lustful scent of septic strawberries._ Never mind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help. _Must leave before anyone suspects my fetish. _*flounces out of the office with his hands covering his nose*

**Receptionist:** How did your day go? _Urgh, had this girl been marinating in fruit?_

**Bella:** Fine. _Not fine! Not fine! Awesomely hot boy hates me, mom is a cougar, it's wet, truck is a death trap, and have sneaking suspicion that everyone is infatuated with my ass. _

**Bella's inner monologue:** Snap out of it Bella! It's just a boy you don't even know. Ya, girl power! Spice Girls, Hillary Clinton, Mother Theresa. I'm okay. This is not so bad. My world does not rotate around a guy. I'll just -

**Stephenie:** *clears throat* Bella, you're doing it again.

**Bella:** I know, but wouldn't it be, ya know, a good idea to show that a girl's happiness doesn't depend on a boy liking her?

**Stephenie:** *laughing maniacally* Tee hee, Bella, you're just too much. Besides, if I gave you any sort of independence, the fangirls would hold a poison-filled cool-aid massacre. Silly. *with a wink, she prods Bella with a stick* Come on…

**Sad!Bella's inner monologue:** *scrunching nose, then pulling a sad puppy face* I sat inside for a while, just staring out the windshield blankly. I headed back to Charlie's house, fighting tears the whole way there.


	3. El Creepy

**2. El Creepy**

**Bella:** So I'm going to save all of you the trite dribble that is the beginning of chapter two. Summary: I am supposedly depressed without Edward hunky sexy man around, even though I have never talked to him, been introduced to him, and he seems to really detest me. Oh, and I cooked dinner for Charlie… alot.

**Stephenie:** But that cuts by book down by five pages.

**Bella:** And?

**Stephenie:** Gah, trying to flesh this out into a complete novel. Just keep cutting me down Bella, keep cutting me down. Stick it to the man.

**Confused!Bella:**…

In the cafeteria:

**Jessica:** Bella, what are you staring at? _Fucking die, mutant anorexic spawn. You are the abscess to my infected tooth._

**Bella:** _Ahhhhhhhhhh, he's staring at me. *slaps self* Damn Stephenie rubbing off on me._

**Jessica:** Edward Cullen is staring at you. _Sleezy slut-bag, catheter to my urethra._

**Bella:** I don't think he likes me. _He likes me, he really, really likes me._

**Jessica:** The Cullens don't like anybody… well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them. _Oh God, they noticed her. Stick a fucking needle in her eyeball. She's the bamboo shoot to my Chinese torture._

Biology class, Part Deux:

**Edward:** *breaking out into a musical* My naaaame is Eeeedward Cuuullen. I didn't have a chance to iiiiintroduuuce myself last weeeek. You must be Beeeeeeellllllaaaa Swwwwaaaaaannnnn! *complete musical orchestra continues in a tremolo.

**Bella:**?

**Edward:** I have a musical voice.

**Bella:** Still confused.

**Edward:** Don't look at me… It's in the manuscript *flicks through manuscript to correct page*

**Bella:** How do you know my name? _Mmmm Edward. Flashing into smutty American Pie mode. "Say my name, bitch!"_

**Edward:** Do you prefer Isabella?

**Bella:** _Duh, no. God he's dense. Obviously, the author of this parody has been typing "Bella" not "Isabella." And I've been correcting everyone since day one. _Actually –

**Stephenie:** *places finger on delete button*

**Bella:** *sighs* No, I like Bella.

**Edward:** Ladies first, partner? I _am soooo debonair. Dazzle, dazzle, dazzle._

**Bella:** Prophase. _Mmmm, I'd like to prophase that fine body._

**Edward:** Do you mind if I look? _Good God, are we going to have to go through a whole book with me talking like this? It's so cheesy._

**Bella:** Ugggh, I know. It's the dreaded delete button. Don't test her. *shoots a dark look at Mrs. Meyer* She's the sadist in the story plot.

**Edward:** *painful and understanding glance*

**Bella's inner monologue:** His hand caught mine, to stop me. His fingers were ice-cold. It stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us. _Fucking Jesus H. Christ. Hand-warmer much? They're only about 25 cents._

**Edward:** I'm sorry. _What the hell do you want me to do about it? I'm the freaking undead. You want me to be toasty? Give you some cocoa with marshmallows in it?_

**Bella:** Hey did you get contacts? _That's a little tacky… uh oh, if he's worried that much about cosmetics, maybe he bats for another team_.

**Edward:** No. _Go away, you perceptive whore-slut. Where's Jessica? I need more analogies. Must change subject._ You don't like the cold.

**Bella: **Or the wet.

**browniechadowes:** Am I immature to say… "that's what she said"?

**Stephenie: **Yes, this is supposed to be romantic. Quit ruining my story. *flicks my forehead*

**Bella:** Alright so now I end up summarizing what was already stated in the last chapter… don't really know why it's reinstated here. We all know, we all don't care. This is –

**Stephenie:** Damn it, Bella. That's another two pages. *breaks into hysterics, crying in a corner*

**Bella:** *scooting away from Stephenie* Sorry, Steph, I just don't see the point in reiterating what's been said.

**Stephenie:** *death glare*

**Scared!Bella:** Soooooo, back to the story…

**Bella's inner monologue:** I could see, from the corner of my eye, that he was leaning away from me again, his hands gripping the edge of the table with unmistakable tension. _Damn, I really need to lay off of the bean burritos._

**Mike:** Cullen seemed friendly enough today. _Mom… Bella… cool whip…loofa… mmmm, no!_

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward Cullen was leaning against the front door of the Volvo staring intently in my direction. _Wow, that's a little el creepy._

**Edward:** Ugh, was this actually written? I agree with Bella. That's really el creepy.

**Stephenie: **You guys just don't understand. It's not "el creepy," it's love.

**Edward and Bella:** ?


	4. Jedi Mind Tricks

**3. Jedi Mind Tricks**

**Bella:** I hate ice. Ice sucks balls. Hmmm, I wonder what Edward's balls taste like… Fuck you, Stephenie! Quit influencing me.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror_. I swear, no more burritos for me. But no, that wasn't me this time! I swear! This was not because of a little escape from my backside. _Something hit me, hard. Two white hands shot out in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face.

**Overprotective!Edward:** Bella? Are you alright?

**Bella: **Ow. _Fuck, that hurt just a tidge._

**Everyone in the crowd:** Screw the fact that Tyler actually has a gash in his head and probably a concussion… how is Bella's ass?

**Edward:** You hit your head. I was standing with you. I pulled you out of the way." *waves his hand through the air trying to pull a Jedi mind trick*

**Bella:** No. _That's a fucking movie, stupid._

**Edward:** Please, Bella _*Jedi, jedi, jedi… dazzle, dazzle, dazzle.*_

**Bella:** Fine. _Let me have your demon spawn babies. Damn you, Stephenie._

**browniechadowes: **Can't work it into the plot, but I still giggle at the fact that the coach's name is Coach Clapp.

**Tyler:** Bella, I'm sorry! _Fuck, there goes my chance with that ass… mmm… ice cream._ Hey, Edward, I'm really sorry. _I really was… sorry that he has a better chance with Bella than I do now. Freakin' choch._

**Edward:** No blood, no foul_. Is that supposed to be a sorry attempt at a vampire joke? Really, Steph, you need to come up with something better than that._

**Stephenie:** I created you! Zip your lips, sparkle boy. *whips out a tazer gun and tazes Edward*

Edward: *convulses on the hospital floor*

**Bella:** _Mmmm, doctor's kinda sexy. _

**Carlisle:** How are you feeling_? Damn I'm sultry, in a strictly paternal sense. I'm just so alluring._

**Bella:** I'm fine. _Apart from being almost crushed to death and having a mild concussion._

**Carlisle:** Most of the school seems to be in the waiting room.

**Bella:** Oh no… _Telekinesis! Something! Anything! *rocks convulsively in a corner*_

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmm, distracted by curiosity. Note to self: must see doctor about some Ritalin.

**Bella:** *looking at Edward* Can I talk to you for a minute? You owe me an explanation_… and a little more. Mmmm me want Edward… Aghhh Stephenie, get out of my head!_

**Bella and Edward:** So Steph is going to summarize what just happened… again. We'll skip it, if that's okay with you.

**Stephenie:** *rocking back and forth* One more page, gone… gone!

**Edward:** *rolling eyes and continuing* You're not going to let it go, are you?

**Bella:** _ppfffht… that's what she said!_ Sorry, but no.

**Edward:** In that case, I hope you enjoy disappointment. _Jesus that's so freaking melodramatic. I guess whatever floats her boat… I feel a little degraded, though._

**Bella:** *whispering* Me too!

**Bella's inner monologue:** I grabbed three Tylenol from the bathroom. They did help, and… Shit, are you serious about this last line, Stephenie? Do you really want me to go there?

**Stephenie:** *wiping tear-stained eyes* Bella, I am stuck at home with kids and I am trying to live vicariously through my characters. Please, humor me?

**HandTiedBella's inner monologue:** *swallowing back the vomit that these words induced* That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.

**Edward:** Ughhhh

**Bella:** I know

**Edward:** Time for shots?

**Bella:** Make mine a double.


	5. Edward PMSes

**4. Edward PMSes**

**Bella's inner monologue:** So, I'm gonna sum up the next few pages here, as I go off on a rampant monologue yet again. Basically, I've been dreaming about Edward every night. He keeps running away from me. This is in no way an analogy to the fact that I seem to be attracted to dangerous blood sucking things that I should never be interested in in the first place, nor to the fact that sometimes I overcompensate strawberry shampoo for personal hygiene. And everyone keeps bugging me, and talking to me, and being social and shit. I hate people being social and shit.

**Stephenie:** *sniffs* More pages, down the drain.

**Bella:** _Anyhoo_… Hello, Edward. _My lover love. My knight in_ _shining armor._

**Edward:** *death glare* _I'm PMSing, bitch. You and your strawberry-ness should just leave me alone!_

Walking to class:

**Mike:** So, Jessica asked me to the spring dance. _.._

**Bella:** *ignoring Mike's creepy stare* That's great. You'll have a lot of fun with Jessica. _Why is Edward ignoring me. The obsession-omiter has now broken. I NEED him._

**Mike:** I was wondering if you were planning to ask me. _I just want your ass… mmm pretty ass. Ass with whipped cream. Ass with soapy suds. Ass with my mom gently caressing… No!_

**Bella:** No. You shouldn't make Jess wait any longer – it's rude. _Almost as rude as saving someone from becoming a human pancake and not talking to them and being beautiful and a stud muffin and glittery. Not fair!!!!!_

In Biology:

**Edward:** Wait, am I on crack? *stares incredulously at manuscript* Maybe bipolar? I mean, really, why I am I talking to her now? This really doesn't make any sense. Was the whole "Edward not talking to Bella" phase just put in the story to amplify the teen angstiness? Because it reeks of –

**Stephenie:** No! You are _masochistic_ and _chagrin_, Edward… _masochistic_. You are a tortured soul battling between the love of your life and your thirst for her blood!

**Edward:** ? Ummm… ok?

**Bella:** What do you want Edward? _Blow job? Little sexy time? To bite me and make me your immortal wife forever? Pretty please?_

**Edward:** I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really. _Oh God, I am a melodramatic bag o' douche, but at least I'm sexy. _

**Confused!Bella:** ?

**Edward:** *fiery, sexy death glare* You don't know anything. _Stupid human. Gah, why do I get all vampiry tingly around you?_

Parking lot:

**Eric:** *under breath* Go do a horizontal dance with me?

**Bella:** ?

**Eric:** *clears throat* Go to the spring dance with me?

**Bella:** No, I'm going to Seattle. _And I am completely inept at doing anything without my Edward love by my side, duh._

**Tyler:** *to self* Will you ask me to take off my pants?

**Bella:** ?

**Tyler:** Will you ask me to the spring dance?

**Bella: **I am going to Seattle. _Leave me alone!_ _Oh the pain. Need. Edward._

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I spend the next page lamenting over the fact that I am a useless sack of shit, and am in no way interesting to mythical sparkling lab partners, and I cook Charlie dinner… again.

Parking Lot:

**Edward:** *materializing out of thin air* _God, I'm the shit. But it is a little ironic that I'm so pissed off about Bella finding out that I'm different, yet I'll use my super-speed just because I feel like it. Oh well._

**Bella:** How did you do that?

**Edward:** It's not my fault you are an unobservant twit.

**Stephenie:** Edward!!! You cannot call Bella a twit. You are only allowed to be a _slightly_ arrogant asshole. It is a thin line. Do not test my patience, or suffer my wrath!

**Edward:** *shivering* Bella, you are utterly absurd.

**Stephenie:** Muuuuch better. We don't want Bella's ego to increase above worthless.

**Bella:** Why won't you leave me alone? _Please, please. Never ever leave me! Gah, Stephenie, I really am starting to get a little creeped out by myself_.

**Edward:** You want a ride to Seattle?

**Bella:** With who?

**Edward:** _Is she really that stupid? Why do I like her again? Oh ya, damn shit strawberries._ Myself, obviously. You really should stay away from me… Come to Seattle with me?

**Bella:** _Mmmmm, bipolar disorder is so sexy._ Ok!


	6. Edward Kidnaps Bella

**5. Edward Kidnaps Bella**

Cafeteria:

**Jessica:** Edward Cullen is staring at you again. _Mike seducing ho-bag. You are the STD to my vagina._

**Edward:** *dazzle… beckon… dazzle*

**Jessica:** *glare* Does he mean _you_? _Fucking twat. First Mike, now Super Sexy Edward. You are the chunks in my vomit._

**Bella:** Um, I'd better go see what he wants. _A hand job? A little hanky panky? To impregnate me with his diabolical evil seeded sperm? Yes, indeed!_

**Edward:** I'm giving up. I say too much. I'm not good for you. Will you be my friend?

**Bella:** Mmmm, ok!

**Edward:** Any theories on what I am?

**Bella:** Batman? Superman? Zeus? God?

**Edward:** You're not very creative. _I am offended by her vapidness… but intrigued by the strawberries. Oh the burn! _What if I'm the bad guy? *dazzling smile* _Ya, I went there. I am such a fucking badass pimp. Hell to the ya. That should get needy fangirls to drool a little._

**Bella:** *drools* You're dangerous? _Score._

**Edward: ***sneakily steals Bella's pop lid to add to his growing shrine that he keeps in his coffin*

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** Tootles. I'm not going to class. _And it has nothing to do with the fact that everyone will be oozing blood all over the place. I'm just a rebel without a cause._

Outside the Biology room:

**Mike:** _Oh God, sweetness. Maybe if she passes out she won't notice if I just touch that ass. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels…_

**Bella:** Whatever you do, keep your hand in your pocket.

**Mike:** _Shit she's onto me._

**Overprotective!Edward: **I'll take her. You can go back to class.

**Mike:** NOOOOOOOO! *runs away with hands over his eyes*

**Overprotective!Edward:** *scoops up Bella, running hither and thither, away from nothing in particular* So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckling* _Really, Steph, another lame vampire joke? This is getting a little out of hand._

**Stephenie:** I am a very humorous person. I make people laugh all the time. Really, I do! I really do!... Stop looking at me.

**Overprotective!Edward:** I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods. _Ya, because a blood lustful vampire who wants to kill you should definitely be worried that a high school boy has killed you in front of the whole school and is taking you out to get rid of the evidence. Mmmm hmmm. I am completely sane._

**Mike:** So are you going to let me beat your backend?

**Bella:**?

**Mike:** Are you going to go to the beach this weekend?

**Bella:** I'll be there. _Meh, at least I'd see my lover love with his shirt off. Yummy._ Hey Edward, want to go to La Push?

**Edward:** *death glare* I wasn't invited. _Feel pity for me. I am a sad, tortured soul of a vampire. Thank God I'm beautiful._

**Bella's inner monologue:** So Edward continues to manhandle and kidnap me, ignoring me as he turns on the heat. He starts to play some shitty classical music. Alright, first the contacts, and the perfectly coiffed hair, now classical music? Damn it, I knew he was gay. Just my-

**Stephenie:** Bella, you cannot commentate and say that my Edward is gay. He is a _chagrin_ _masochistic_ vampire with class. This is supposed to be romantic. Do you want me to get out the tazer?

**Bella: ***sighs* Clair de Lune?

**Edward:** You know Debussy? _Awesome. She was a complete idiot in most respects. How the hell did she know Clair de Lune… Oh *looks at radio* It says it right there on the damn player._

**Edward and Bella:** Okay, so Stephenie goes on another repetitive rant. Yes, we know that Edward was adopted. Jessica already told us that. Yes, we know that Renee was remarried. That was stated in the first chapter.

**Stephenie:** *begins cutting wrists*

**Edward and Bella**: Just throwing out the dribble.

**Bella:** Will I see you tomorrow? _Parting is such sweet sorrow. I wish it were 'morrow. *swoons*_

**Edward: **No, I'm going to suck the blood out of all the animals I can find so that I won't want to kill you more than usual.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** I'm going hiking with Emmett.

**Bella:** Oh, okay!

**Edward:** Don't kill yourself when I'm gone.

**Bella:** _Foiled, foiled again_.


	7. Barely Legal Indian Boy

**6. Barely Legal Indian Boy **

**browniechadowes: **Yes I know the politically correct phrase is "Native American" but for some reason, it just didn't have the same ring to it… and for a similarly selfish reason I find the word Indian just slightly sexier than Native American, so sue me. If Stephenie Meyer can have her wet dreams of under-agedness, so can I! *ends rant, panting and swearing she is not a Jacob fangirl*

Cafeteria:

**Jessica:** So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday? _Couldn't be your virginity. You gave that up a long time ago, you maggot in my expired mashed potatoes._

**Bella:** I don't know. _Me, me, me! He wanted me. Oh glorious day!_

**Jessica:** You looked kind of mad. _He probably asked you for a blow job, and only had five bucks on him at the time… you are the hose to my enema._

**Bella:** Did I? _Mmmm yes, I was hot and bothered. Damn it to hell, Stephenie, I am completely infatuated/obsessed now, aren't I?_

**Stephenie:**Yeeeeeeessssss…oh yeeeesssss. Wah hah, my little minion.

**Jessica:** That was weird. _You're fucking weird. Die, weirdo, die. You are the infected toenail to my pedicure._

**Bella:** *Ignoring mutinous Jessica death glare* Weird.

La Push:

**Mike:** Will you ride my cock?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** *coughs* will you ride in my car?

**Bella: ***ignoring creepy face* Sure.

**Mike: **Watch the fire. Watch the colors *claps hands in toddler fashion*

**Bella:** It's blue. _Is that supposed to fucking impress me? I am depressed. Manflesh Edward isn't showing up._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Okay, I am now going to tantalizingly describe Jacob Black. *clears throat* glossy black hair, beautiful skin, silky and russet, dark eyes, high cheekbones, very pretty face… wait, why didn't I describe Edward in that much detail… Uh oh, think I'm becoming a Jacob shipper.

**Jacob**: You're Isabella Swan.

**Bella:** _God damn him, he used my full name. I now mark him as a friend, and he shall only ever be my friend, nothing more, not even if Edward left me, or if I were freezing to death and he heated me up to keep me from frostbite, or if I liked kissing his sultry underage lips…Hypothetically speaking, of course. Edward called me Bella, not Isabella, therefore I am destined to love him FOREVER… *screams* where's my lover love?_

**Lauren:** *making first cameo bitch appearance* You know Bella, Jacob? _Tramp, of course you know him. Jessica was right. She is a fucking slut. She is the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound. Oh no, spending too much time around Jessica. _You invited Edward._ Whore._

**Sam? (maybe Sam, maybe some other random Quileute):** The Cullens don't come here_… bum, bum, buuuuuuummmmmm *orchestra tremolo*_

**Scheming!Bella:** _Mwa ha, going to attempt to flirt. _*strikes pose with ass in the air*What was that about the doctor's family? *bats eyes furiously, causing her eyes to well up with tears as she trips on a piece of driftwood*

**Jacob: **? _Going to ignore that weirdness. Is she epileptic? Probably should change subject before she hurts herself._ You like scary stories?

**Scheming!Bella:** I love you.

**Jacob:** ?

**Bella: ***clears throat* I love them.

**Jacob:** Okay, so Stephenie makes this really drawn out *licks finger while thumbing through manuscript* and I honestly don't give a fuck. To summarize this bitch up, werewolves hate "the cold ones" aka vampires. Kapeesh? Good.

**Stephenie:** Way to mutilate the suspense, and that's another two pages killed by the summary factor. *pouting, and toying with her tazer*

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes* You don't need all of that shit. Not that suspenseful.

**Bella:** You're a good storyteller. _Mmmm vampire, vampire. And there's no way that werewolves will at all be central to the plot at any time, so I'm just going to hyper focus on the fact that the guy I am in lover love with wants to eat me. That's hot._

**Jacob:** Is that your boyfriend? *staring at Mike, who was now making pouty sexy face at Bella while stroking his ass*

**Bella:** No, definitely not. And thanks! _For telling me all of the secrets that you were supposed to keep hidden. Ahhh *twiddling fingers* the power of flirtiness against barely legal Indian boys. Mmmm, wonder how he is with a loofa… Arghh, bad thoughts!_


	8. Foreshadowing? Pschhht… Not At All!

**7. Foreshadowing? Pschhht… Not At All!**

**Bella's inner monologue:** This chapter is slightly pointless, so I'm just gonna sum it up. I have dreams about Jacob turning into a wolf… which is NOT foreshadowing anything in the future. It's just pretty damn random. Looked up vampires… ya, Edward kinda fits the bill on that one, although the whole article about vampires wanting to spread their mutant semen into women creating a baby that will break the woman's spine while in labor while simultaneously chewing through the uterus was a little far fetched. I cook Charlie dinner, and Jessica -

**Jessica's inner monologue:** Fucking cunt whore slut, gah Angela's a bitch for wanting her to come. She's the mold to my gouda cheese.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *trying to ignore Jessica's inner outburst* Jessica invited me to go dress shopping… oh joy. Technically, according to the author, I only want to go to Port Angeles to get an obscure book on Quileute legends about vampires, even though I've looked up quite a bit about vampires on the internet already. Guess this is the ominous Deux ex Machina. Nice placement, Steph.

**Stephenie:** Good lord, that was nearly TWELVE pages! Twelve pages, Bella! What gives?

**Bella: **I'm sorry that you coated your novel with flowery prose that could be cut to better the novel. Sorry for caring about the sanity of the readers.

**Stephenie:** Mmmm… we'll have to see about this.

**Bella:** *Shrieks as Stephenie's evil monkey picks a bagel apart in front of her eyes* Noooooo! Not another bagel!


	9. Do I Dazzle You?

**8. Do I dazzle you?**

Port Angeles:

**Bella:** I don't go out with boys. _Cooties, cooties, cooties. Besides, I totally have a kick ass vampire that I'm obsessed with._

**Jessica:** Tyler told everyone he's taking you to prom. _So you can do him, too, you cum guzzling slut. You are the cap in my ass. _That's why Lauren doesn't like you. _And, hello… I'm not such a fan either._

**Bella:** I'm peacing out, probably to meander aimlessly.

**Jessica and Angela:** Okay! See you at dinner! – Jessica: _you fucking knife to my lobotomy._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was going the wrong direction. I tried my luck on a different street on my way back to the boardwalk. Heh, ok so this street is more like an unlit alleyway reeking of whiskey and gives off the tingly girl vibe that this is probably not an awesome idea to walk down alone. Hmmm, oh well. This is Stephenie's story. *skips into alleyway*

**Man #1:** There you are! _Trying to hand Bella the wallet she dropped earlier._

**Bella:** Stay away from me! _Fucking psychos, you will not get my body. This is Edward's territory._

**Man #2:** Don't be like that, sugar. _Maybe if I talk to her as if she's a fucking five year old she might take back the stupid wallet we found. Jesus, we just want to get back to the damn bar._

**OverprotectiveStalker!Edward:** Get in! _Groooowllll, grrrrrowwwlll…grrrr._

**Bella:** Okay!

**Men #1-4 inner monologue:** Shit, well if it's like that… *Man #1 opens wallet* Drinks on her!

**OverprotectiveStalker!Edward:** Distract me! _Fucking ass-tards, trying to give her money. Those bastards._

**Bella:** I'm planning on killing Tyler?

**OverprotectiveStalker!Edward:** Why_? I'll help you, my love. Did he try to give her money back too? My Bella is not worth a refund._

**Bella:** He thinks he's taking me to prom.

**CalmedDown!Edward:** Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? *Dazzling Angela and Jessica…dazzle, sparkle, dazzle*

**Jessica:** *drools fangirl drool*

**Angela:** Okay *wiping fangirl drool from Jessica's face*

**Edward:** Privacy! Table for two! *clicks fingers* Make it snappy, bitches!

**Stephenie:** You have to do that subtly, Edward, subtle… Edward is a gentleman. A _chagrin_, misunderstood vampire gentleman.

**Edward:** Ya, but that takes up about half a page of worthless writing.

**Stephenie:** *glare*

**Bella:** Soooooo… Do you _have_ to dazzle people? _You are only allowed to dazzle ME!_

**Edward:** _Damn, she's onto my games._ Do I dazzle you? *dazzle…dazzle…dazzle…with a sparkle on top*

**Bella:** Frequently. _Ughh, you own my human hormones. _I'll have the mushroom ravioli._ Ya, that's a good idea with my flatulence record and everything._

**Edward:** *strokes stomach, estimating how much he weighs* Diet coke.

**Bella:** *Ignoring manorexia* Why are you in Port Angeles?

**Edward:** Can I get a phone a friend? Maybe a 50/50? _Duh, Bella. I am an overprotective sadist anti-feminist who needs to control your every move. Well, nevermind…_ I followed you to Port Angeles. I'm trying to save you from… *orchestra strikes: bum bum buuuuummmmmmm* catastrophes.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I find that not the least bit creepy… rather, I am now intrigued and more in love with Edward than ever. Ravish me, Edward, my stony vampire lover love.

**Edward:** No change. *flicks money into the bill folder* _Ya, that's right. You reach over 100 years old and you can leave a decent tip too, even if the waitress was slightly annoying and I had to try to pretend that anything coming out of Bella's mouth was worth listening to._

**Bella:** *sniffing Edward's jacket creepily, while petting it* My preciiiiooouuus.

**Edward:** Stephenie, I think Bella has toppled over into the dark side of Edward obsessive-dom.

**Stephenie:** *Stops caressing one of Edward's winter coats* huh?

**Edward:** ? Oh God, never mind. *Runs away*


	10. Bad Edward! No Peeking

**9. Bad Edward! No Peeking.**

Edward's Car:

**Bella:** Can I ask just one more? _Pretty, pretty please??? My God divine?_

**Edward:** One. _Good lord, please let it just be one. NotObsessive!Bella was pretty cool… this one, not as much._

**Bella: ***Proceeds to ask WAY more than one question* How did you know where I was going? How does the mind-reading thingy work? Can you read anyone's mind? How do you do it? Why can't you hear me? Am I a freak?

**Edward:** _Ughhh._ I can smell you. Mind reading's kinda self-explanatory. Not yours. Again, self-explanatory. I don't know. And yes… I mean, no?

**browniechadowes:** Edward, you forgot "yes, no, to get to the other side, and the square root of pi"

**Stephenie:** *glares* That's in the movie version.

**browniechadowes:** Oooohh, well that makes sense. I was a little confused, because that line's slightly witty.

**Stephenie:** Why does no one think I'm funny?

**Bella:** Holy…wait… does this really say "holy crow"? Who in God's name has ever said that before in their life? Gah, I can deal with the obsessive Edwardness, but take away my collection of curse words, and you make a very grumpy Bella. Holy shit!

**Stephenie:** Bella….. *brings out bag of bagels*

**Bella:** *pouts* I mean, Holy crow! Slow down!

**Edward:** But I am indestructible and have never had a ticket… _and am basically the shit._

**Bella:** I tricked Jacob into telling me about you… by flirting – it worked better than I thought it would.

**Edward:** And you accused me of dazzling people – poor Jacob Black *smirks*. _Okay, someone please note the sarcasm in my voice. Has Bella ever even tried to flirt with me, let alone some random hot package of underagedness? No? Thought not._

**Bella:** How old are you?

**Edward:** Seventeen.

**Bella:** How long have you been seventeen?

**Orchesta:** *maestro waves baton* Bum, bum, buuuuuuuuuuum…

**Edward:** A while. _Wow, that's actually just a little disconcerting. Says here I'm about a century old. Besides the obvious necrophilia issue, now we are faced with a little statutory rape problem… good thing I am too gentlemanly and chaste to let Bella pop my cherry._

**Bella:** Okay!

**Edward:** And we don't burn in the sun, sleep in coffins, or drink human blood. But we are still very very dangerous!

**Bella:** I don't understand *scratches head*

**Edward:** _You don't understand that blood craving vampires are dangerous. Note to self: Bella has officially become a lost cause. _

**Bella:** Why weren't you at school? _Leaving me all by myself, alone and depressed? Why, Edward, why!!!!!! Ok, Steph, I am now becoming slightly psychotic._

**Edward:** I can't go out in the sunlight.

**Bella:** Why?

**Edward:** Ummm… well… *flips through manuscript, trying to find the meadow scene*

**Stephenie:** Bad Edward! No peeking. We need the element of surprise here. Really hype it up, so when you reveal yourself to her, it will be the most poignant point of the story yet. This is gonna be big, huge I say!!!

**Edward: ***slightly perplexed* I'll show you sometime.

**Egoless!Bella:** You could've called me.

**Edward:** I know you were okay. _Ummm, hello, I was in the middle of sucking the blood out of mountain lions… did she really think I was going to stop to chat?_

**Egoless!Bella:** But I MISSED YOU!!!!!

**Edward: **This is wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous.

**Egoless!Bella:** *fangirl drools* Dangerous, you say? _Mmmmm take me now. _Promise to be at school tomorrow? _Don't you ever leave me, ever, ever, ever!_

**Edward:** I promise. *Bella sniffs Edward's jacket, leaving a slight trail of snot on one of the sleeves* _Urghh, good thing she smells so good, or that would really creep me out and be kinda disgusting_ You can keep it – you don't have a jacket for tomorrow.

**Bella:** I don't want to explain that to Charlie. _Because coming back home with more clothes on is definitely more disconcerting than coming back with less on._

**Edward:** Don't go into the woods alone. _This is in no way forshadowing the fact that there may be non-vegetarian vampires roaming around. I'm only worried about those rabid squirrels and ticks._

**Bella:** Why?

**Edward:** I'm not the only thing that likes blood out there. _What? Ticks suck blood too! A little overdramatic? Maybe, but sometimes I just like watching Bella freak out._ Sleep well *blows on Bella*

**Bella:** *stunned, dazzled, dazed… swooooon*

**Edward:** *chuckle* _Tee hee, that's fun._

At Bella's House:

**Bella:** *calls Jessica* Hey, I left my coat in your car.

**Jessica:** _Did she do Edward yet?_ Tell me what happened! _You blade to my guillotine._

**Bella: **Um, tomorrow.

**Jessica:** Okay. _You slut, you're probably still with him. Gaaahhh._

**Bella's inner monologue: **About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was… ugh, not again, Stephenie. I mean, lets look at this logically. I've talked to him once in the hospital, once in Biology, once at lunch, and he creepily stalked me all the way to Port Angeles today, nearly killing four guys. It is not possible to have spent around four hours total with someone and feel –

**Stephenie:** Okay, Bella, cut the drabble bull-crow.

**Bella:** ?

**Stephenie:** I don't curse. Anyway, I have given you SO MANY chances. Now, can you be a little more appreciative and do my bidding by falling in effing love with this sexy God man that I have created JUST FOR YOU? Otherwise, I'm just going to have to replace you with one of the drooling fangirls.

**AbsolutelyAndUtterlyObsessedInLuuurve!Bella:** *looks at group of dazed drooling fangirls in the corner and shivers* I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

**Edward:** *shudders* That's so stalkerish. I mean, ya I followed her to Port Angeles, but it's not like I sneak into her room every night and watch her sleep… *flips through a few pages*… oh shit.


	11. Browniechadowes & Co Tired & Immature

**Browniechadowes & Co. Are Tired and Immature**

In Bella's Driveway:

**Edward:** Want to ride with me today? _Ya, I've decided to be less asshole and more man candy. I figure, what could it hurt? Might be fun to have a little change. Sidenote: This candyness will probably end if your life is ever threatened in any way, my sweet._

**Bella:** Yes, thank you. _Thank you God. Mmmmm, jacket. *sniff*_

**Edward:** No twenty questions today?

**Bella:** _Au contraire, my petit icepop o' sexiness. __There will be so many questions for the reader to take in that a person condensing the book might stick all of our incessant questioning into *gasp* one chapter later on._

**Edward:** Good morning Jessica. *dazzle*

**Jessica:** Er… hi. _Oh God, oh God. .Staring. Must think of incredibly insulting thing to think of about Bella… marble muscles, amber sexilicious eyes, aaahhhh. *focuses on Bella, taking deep breath* scissors to my castration… much better._

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** She wants to know if we're dating and how you feel about me. _Poor Bella, if I told her what Jessica was actually thinking, her ego would probably plunge into the negatives…tempting – _

**Stephenie:** *bitch slaps Edward* No, Edward. Yes, we want Bella to feel like a sack of crow, but she still needs to be functional.

**Edward:** *pout* ok.

**Mike:** How was porn with anus?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** How was Port Angeles?

**Bella:** It was…great.

**browniechadowes:** *immaturely* tee hee.

**Jessica:** Tell me everything. _Or I shall dice you with my nail file, you braces to a blow job._

**Bella:** He bought me dinner, drove me home, breathed on me, had an awesome smelling jacket, and I am definitely not irrevocably in love with him. _Yes ah aaammm!!!_

**Jessica:** W-o-w, Edward Cullen. _Okay does Bella just not get sarcasm? Who would want to date a cold white dude with a cowlick? Okay, I'd do him, but that's about it… and he'd probably give the old vag walls frostbite anyway._

**Edward:** *popping head up randomly* I know, I know. She never gets the sarcasm thing. It's okay though, because your comments end up sounding like you're really interested in her. Win win, really. *ducks back out*

**Bella:** *with glazed lover love eyes* I know, wow. _Ya, that's right bitch. Edward is mine, allll miiiinnne. Damn it, Steph, now I'm just sounding evil._

**Jessica:** Has he kissed you? _Perverted prostitute._

**Bella:** It's not like that. _It's so much more. He touches my cheek and stuff… mmm kinky cheek caressing._

**Jessica:** _Now I see. The whole "Pretty Woman", you can fuck me but don't kiss me thing. Way to be original, Bella dear. _He is unbelievably gorgeous. _Might as well feed the little slut some compliments, even if she is like bacon to a pig._

**Bella:** He's even more unbelievable behind the face. _Okay, I'm sorry Stephenie but I don't really get this alliteration. I mean, I get that I might like his mind, but isn't that just an awkward way of phrasing it?_

Stephenie: *clears throat* Bella = awkward. Comment = awkward. Don't see a problem there.

_Jessica:_ How much do you like him? *snorts* _more like, how much did he pay you?_

Bella: Too much.

**browniechadowes:** Tee hee. *slaps immature self* So sorry, the collective characters and I would like to apologize for our immaturity in this chapter. It is due to lack of sleep and mounting paranoia of being tazed by Stephenie.

In the Cafeteria:

**Edward's inner monologue: ***loads up plate with every food imaginable* Maybe if I get a lot of food, the rumors of my manorexia will cease.

**Bella:** Dare you to eat food.

**Edward:** ? _Nooooo, my figure will be practically ruined._

**Bella:** Triple dog dare you! _Waa haa, skipped double dog. Beat that!_

**Edward:** *takes bite* tthhhhtuck, tthhhtuck, tthhhtuck!!!!

**Stephenie:** Cute, Edward. Wrong story. Please quit insulting my novel and get onto some very serious teen angsty dialogue *bats eyes* please?

**Edward: ***shudders at cougar come-on* Do you believe that you care more for me than I do for you?

**Bella:** You're dazzling me, and yes.

**Edward:** What? No I wasn't. It's usually written in when I'm dazzling you. I normally have an ulterior motive.

**Bella:** Hmmm, that's weird…meh nevermind. Sometimes I feel like you're trying to say goodbye. _This is not foreshadowing either, to, say, Edward leaving me broken hearted when he leaves for an insignificantly petty reason. No, it's just because I am a very insecure ego-absent in luuurve teen._

**Edward:** I love you more, because I can leave you. _Mmmm hmmm, that, of course, makes a whole crap load of sense. _I'm not taking you to Seattle. Let's go to my happy place.

**Bella:** Will you show me what you meant about the sun? _Yay, curiosity! Yay, surprises! Yay Edward, and bunnies, and ice cream and… damn it._

**Edward:** Okay, Bella, so I'm going to talk about Emmett hunting bears and me hunting other little animals for about three pages, mmmk?

**Bella:** Okay, but I'd better be able to say my one catchy line.

**Edward:** *sighs* If you must. Shall I set it up?... *clears throat* Spring is Emmett's favorite bear season – they're more irritable.

**Bella:** Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

**Orchestra:** *maestro points to drummer* Bu-dum-bum chiiiing.

**Edward:** Worth it?

**Bella: **Not really. Out of context, it kinda sounds like a tub full of lame.


	12. Many,Many Questions

**Many, Many Questions**

Biology Class:

**Bella's inner monologue:** *Mr. Banner shuts off lights* _Aggghh! Want to stroke him, touch him, my preeecciiiousss._

**Edward:** *sexy zoolander look*

**Bella:** *swoon*

**Edward:** *Mr. Banner turns on lights* Well, that was interesting… Wait, Stephenie, really? Was that supposed to be passionate or something? NOTHING HAPPENED! I mean, Jesus, if I have to put up with her being creepy, and now me being stalkerish, shouldn't we be getting it on… or at least getting to first base?

**Stephenie:** No. No touchy. Nuh uh. *speaking under her breath and very fast*Not until you're married so that you can impregnate her with your mutant sperm, thus breaking her back, splitting open her uterus as she vomits blood so you can then jab venom into her heart like they do to Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Yaaa, that's hot.

**Edward & Bella:** ?

**Stephenie:** Never you mind. *Grabs teen magazine featuring Cedric Diggory and runs out of room*

**Edward:** *raises hand and strokes Bella's cheek* _God, this is so incredibly G rated._

**Bella:** *double swoon*

In Gym:

**Mike:** *to himself* You and me post-coital, huh?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** You and Cullen, huh?

**Bella:** *ignoring jealous stare* None of your business. _Yes, yes, yes. He stroked my face. We're pretty much married with boat loads of demon babies._

**Mike:** He looks at you like you're something to eat. _And that's no fair. I want to eat you, me!_

**Bella:** *giggle* _pffft. Sexual innuendo_.

In the Hall:

**Mike's inner monologue:** …Well, now that I think about it, Cullen's not that bad. Actually, he's kinda hot. Wonder if he's ever snuck a peak in the locker room.

**browniechadowes: ***punches Mike in the face* Uh uh. I will give you guys free reign, but we are doing no freaky slash or lemony shit in this parody. Just keep drooling over Bella.

**Mike's inner monologue:** *sticks out tongue and absentmindedly plays with his loofa*

**Edward:** Newton's getting on my nerves. _Really, Mike? You had to go there? God, Bella's ego is already dead. She needs _someone_ to fawn over her._

At Bella's:

**Edward:** I'm going to ask you questions tomorrow for no explicable reason. _Most likely to flesh out the story into a novel._ Many, many questions.

**Bella:** Okay!

The Next Morning:

**Edward:** _Question time! _What's your favorite color?

**Bella:** Brown.

_**Edward**_**:** ?

**Bella:** _It reminds me of smelling of shit flavored strawberries the first day I laid eyes on you, my love._ Ya, because green squashy stuff covers up the brown.

**Edward:** _Should I explain to her that green things usually grow out of the brown stuff? No, I won't chastise her too much_. What music are you listening to?

**Bella:** *pulls out Spice Girls cd* _Damn, I forgot that was in there. Haven't listened to them in ages. Feminist freaks._

**Edward:** *pulls out Spice Girls cd* Oh me too, me too! _I am completely humoring her, for your information. Take notes, guys: check up on what she likes then pull it out at just the right moment. I am so debonair and classy._

**Edward:** Movies you like, movies you hate, places you go, books books books, gemstone?

**Bella:** Your eyes. _So preeetttyyy._

**Edward:** That's not a gemstone.

**Bella:** Oh, well topaz then. _Shit, wonder if I have slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I am._

**Edward and Bella:** Okay so here's where we pause interrogation for another awkwardly non-sexual anti-sexcapade through the dark room of the biology room. But don't worry, we won't kiss, or touch, or look at each other.

**Edward: **Explain things to me! Scent of creosote, cicadas… _since you would know better than me, not that I've lived over 90 years longer than her or anything._

**Bella:** Finished?

**Edward:** Not even close.

**Edward and Bella:** *groan collectively*

**Stephenie:** It's cute! Shut up and bond already. Jeez.

In Bella's Driveway:

**Orchestra & Choir:** *strikes up tune to "Be Cool" from West Side Story* *Choir bends low, crouching and clicking fingers to the beat* "Sharks!" "Jets!" "Sharks!" "Jets!"

**Edward:** *crouches low clicking fingers* "Vampires!"

**Billie:** *crouching as much as he can in his wheelchair clicking fingers* "Werewolves!"

**Edward:** *drives away, singing "I Want to Be an American"*

**Bella:** ?


	13. Ughhh, We’re Twinkies!

**11. Ughhh, We're Twinkies!**

**Charlie:** You shouldn't be driving. _Here I come, Mr. Deputy Man, here to save the day!_

**Jacob:** *ignoring superman stance of Charlie* I have my permit.

**Bella:** Oops, I forgot to feed Charlie.

**Jacob:** How's it going? _Not that I have a crush on you or anything. Just wondering how it's going, what you've been doing, what you wear when you think no one's looking. If I were just a slight bit more obsessed I'd probably sneak into your room and watch you sleep._

**Bella:** Good.

**Jacob:** So who drove you home?

**Bella:** Edward Cullen.

**Jacob:** _Well that explains the random musical interlude.*laughing* At least he's no competition. Pretty sure that one's more crooked than he is straight._

The Next Morning:

**Bella:** How was your night?

**Edward:** Pleasant *amusing, condescending smile* _Because I was so uncreepily watching you sleep, and you don't get the inside joke. Mwa ha. So, back to questioning you incessantly… _Renee, grandmother, friends, boys you've dated.

**Bella:** Oh Edward, you're funny. There's no one else I've ever wanted. _And you can't leave me, cuz I'd fiiinddd youuuu!_

**browniechadowes:** ummm, ya, guilty of Wedding Crashers plug there. Sorry, avid readers!

**Bella:** *bites into bagel, then looks down seeing what she has done, throws bagel away, hitting Jessica in the face* Gah, why did you make me do that, Steph?

**Edward:** ? Anyway, I'm leaving school with Alice, so I'm going to get your truck and bring it here for you to get after school, even though I shouldn't know where the keys to your truck or your house are at all.

**Bella:** Okay!

**Edward:** Oh, and by the way my family doesn't hate you, they are just incredulous. _Three point vocab word. Man I'm an intelligent marble slab of perfection._

**Bella:** *Rosalie death glares Bella* Aaarrrghhhh! That's scary!

**Edward:** *rolling eyes* she's just worried you'll fuck everything up Bella.

**Stephenie:** Language, Edward. Dear lord, what do I have to do to get you to just do this novel to the best of canon ability as possible?

**Edward:** Write it better so we don't have to be so snarky?

**Stephenie:** *tazes Edward again and skips out of the room*

**Alice:** *dances over to Edward, shaking him awake* Bella, nice to finally meet you. _Good God, I can't wait until we're friends. Then I can get you out of those awful ass clothes. Urghh, and maybe change your shampoo. _

**Edward:** *death glares* _Damn it, Alice. I am always going to be an overprotective seductive prick, and will be disgruntled when you take any time away from me and Bella. Grrrr._

In the Parking Lot:

**Bella:** *reading note on magically appearing truck* "Be safe". _This should be very disconcerting, as he seems to be able to break into my house and my car, and is seemingly obsessive/protective, but it's not, because I luuurrve him._

**Edward:** *pops head in* You still should be a little disconcerted. I am. *makes face as he runs off into the abyss*

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I know decide that I cannot sleep and should therefore abuse the Nyquil thus knocking myself unconscious as I listen creepily to Chopin's nocturnes, thus satisfactorily sleeping soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use… wow, I didn't even have to change that last bit from the manuscript *raises an eyebrow towards Stephenie*.

The Next Morning:

**Edward:** *as Bella opens door* Ughhh, we're twinkies!

**Bella:** _Crap, he is gay._ _Oh well, I'll still take him._ By the way, I didn't tell anyone I was going alone with you, so if you slip up and drink my blood, you're off the hook_. I would do anything for you!_

**Edward:** Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal? _Jesus Christ, maybe we should have gone a bit easier on her ego-meter, Steph._

**Martyr!Bella:** No, I just want to protect you!

**Edward:** _Riiighhht, do I even need to say how pointless it is that stumblefuck over here wants to protect super suave and indestructible me? God, she should go to martyr's anonymous or something._ Now, we are going to hike 5 miles through the forest. Fun?

**Bella:** Ermm…

**Bella's inner monologue:** Now I am going to describe a very romantic meadow: small, round, wildflowers, bubbling stream, sun, soft grass, swaying flowers, air, Snow White and all the woodland creatures… scratch that last one. Then I remembered, Edward was going to do his sun trick!

**Bella:** *beckons to Edward*

**Edward:** *holds up hand* _Oh I don't know, definitely having second thoughts. This might scare her a little too much._

**Bella:** *stares, foaming at the mouth for *SunSurprise!Edward*

**Edward:** *takes overly dramatic deep breath and steps into the sun*


	14. SunSurprise Edward

**SunSurprise!Edward**

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I will now describe SunSurprise!Edward. Basically he's the same as Overprotective!Edward, but just sparkly. Like, really sparkly. As in, lipsmacker, preteen lotion glitter sparly. Kind of a letdown. I was expecting some grotesque skeleton thing, or maybe a corpse with bits of flesh dropping off of him. Don't get me wrong, this is more attractive than my prior misconceptions, but it really isn't helping his straight factor.

**Bella:** Why are your lips moving?

**SunSurprise!Edward:** I'm singing to myself. _Trying to ignore your glazed over creepy stare. Only I'm allowed to be the one staring at other people when their eyes are closed in this relationship._ I don't scare you? _I am so damn shocking._

**Bella:** _Why in the hell would I be scared? I wasn't scared of angry, I want to go back and kill those men Edward. Highly doubt I'd be afraid of, look I'm basking and glittering in the sun Edward. _No more than usual. *touches Edward* Do you mind?

**SunSurprise!Edward:** No, you can't imagine how that feels. It'd feel just a little bit better if you went south of the border. But Stephenie won't let that happen.

**Bella:** Nope, I'm just going to trail my hand over your muscles, your empty blue veins, and the palm of your hand.

**Stephenie:** *hands cupped under chin* Hmmmm, perfect…

**SunSurprise!Edward and Bella:** *shiver slightly at inappropriate staring*

**Bella:** *tries to kiss Edward*

**Edward's inner monologue: **Argh, must hide in the forest and stare with dark eyes in the shadows. Think soccer, pizza, off key pitches…

**Bella:** I'm sorry Edward.

**Edward:** Give me a moment. _How embarrassing. Should probably cover this up by pretending I wanted to kill her. Ya, that'll work._ I'm the world's best predator. As if you could outrun me, as if you could fight me off, just…just… as IF.

**Confused!Bella:** ? _Okayyyy,_ um I have this deep-set fear that you will leave me.

**Edward:** That's why I should, but I crave your company _(blood and ass strawberry scent)_ too much to do what I should.

**Bella:** I'm glad. _Yay, and he will never leave me, ever._

**Edward:** Ya, but I really, really want to suck all of the blood out of your body.

**Bella:** Don't care.

**Edward: **_Okay, obviously this hasn't gotten through her thick skull yet._ You are like my favorite ice cream flavor…

**Bella:** Ugghhh no, ice cream, bad thoughts!

**Edward:** Let me try again. You are like old manly alcohol…

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** Aghhhh. You're like heroin, okay? _God, this girl is impossible to scare._

**Bella:** I'm your brand of heroin?

**Edward:** Silly Bella, heroin is illegal and therefore unbranded. *as Bella begins build tears in her eyes, he sighs* Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.

**Bella:** *clapping hands* _I'm his favorite!_

**Edward:** I wanted to kill you the first time I saw you.

**Bella:** _Oh, right. He's dangerous._ *fangirl swoon*

**Edward:** I could never hurt you, _even though I spent the past few pages telling you how much I want to hurt you._ You are the most – God, Stephenie, here you go again. Really? I mean, REALLY? This is technically our second date.

**Stephenie:** *snaps out of lying face down in a pool of fanwoman drool* Huh? Oh come on Edward, just say it. This is the pinnacle of my existence.

**Edward:** *looking hopelessly at Bella*

**Bella:** Don't look at me. 3 bagels have already been sacrificed in this manuscript. I don't think I could take any more.

**Edward:** *with a pained expression on his face* You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever. _Ugh here we go, the most obvious analogy of the entire series…_

**Orchestra:** *drumrolls*

**Edward:** And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

**Bella:** _Oh god, am going to be sick from over-indulgence in sappy sweetness._ What a stupid lamb.

**Edward:** What a sick, masochistic lion.

**Edward and Bella:** *storm off, taking 5 minutes to slap one another and take a few shots to forget the cringeworthiness that escaped their mouths*

**browniechadowes:** Come on guys! Worst is over. Let's get on with it.

**Edward:** *slinks back into meadow* Okay, so now I'm just going to rub up on your face a little bit and then use listening to your heartbeat as an excuse to bury my face in your boobage.

**Bella:** Well, I'm going to put my hand all over your face.

**Edward:** I'll show you how I travel in the forest. _Wonder why I didn't do this in the first place, considering she is extremely clumsy, slow, and probably didn't want to hike 5 miles? Ah well._

**Bella:** Will you turn into a bat? _Ughh, that's strike three for the bad vampire jokes, Steph._

**Edward:** Come on, little coward, climb on my back.

**browniechadowes: ***slightly crestfallen* It was so much better to make fun of in the movie. Spider monkey has a bigger laugh factor than little coward. Damn you, Stephenie Meyer. Ruining my fun.

**Edward: ***runs crazily through the forest to the truck* How do you feel? _Because I'm gonna toot my own horn and say that I am fairly kick ass at this fast running thing._

**Bella:** Dizzy.

**Edward: **Silly Bella, running is second nature to me. _Ya, that's right, I am the shiznit._

**Bella:** Show-off. _You hot sparkling little show-off. _

**Edward:** I want to try something. _Ha ha, take that, Stephenie *stares at author, sleeping in her pool of drool, as he leans in to kiss Bella*_

**Bella:** Oh _God, am going to jump his bones now. Nom nom nom nom. *hits Edwards teeth with her own and smashes his nose*_ Oops!

**Edward:** _Bitch, you kiss like a ten year old._ That's an understatement.

**Bella:** Should I…? _Oh_ _God, please kill me now. Am going to die of embarrassment._

**Edward:** No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please. _Damn my nose hurts._ Okay I'm good. Now let me drive. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. _Oh I am so witty. Witty witty Edward._

**Bella:** Drunk?

**Edward:** You're intoxicated by my very presence. _I am in no way conceited at all. I just tell it like it is. Besides, I don't think the Nyquil's quite out of her system. She kinda had a nasty cherry aftertaste. _

**Bella:** Are you affected by _my_ presence?

**Edward:** *laughing* Suuuuuure.


	15. Dear All:Should I Stay or Should I Go?

**Should I Stay or Should I Go?**

Hello all! So, I'm calling it a night, and I'm kind of at a breaking point in the novel. If you would like me to keep going with the parody, say the word and I will do so. Keep smiling, and thanks to everyone for your feedback! Happy New Year! - browniechadowes


	16. NonStephenie Rated Dreams

**Non-Stephenie Rated Dreams**

In Bella's Truck:

**Bella:** You like fifties music? _Aha, so that at least explains the hair._

**Edward:** Music in the fifties was good.

**Bella:** Tell me how old you are.

**Edward:** I wonder if it will upset you. _Ya, this is probably gonna creep her out. But hey, if an 80 year old Hugh Heffner can have three girlfriends under the age of 25, this shouldn't be too weird, ya, I'll keep repeating that. And no, I don't watch The Girls Next Door, and yes, I think that Holly's kind of a bitch._

**Bella: **Try me. _Besides, Renee always said I was an older soul, and that obviously omits any inappropriateness whatsoever. I am so damn mature._ _*looking at sunset on Edward's skin* Oooh, pretty, he changes color with the sunset._

**SunsetSurprise!Edward:** I was born in Chicago in 1901. _God, I hope she sucks at math._

**Bella:** *counting on fingers in head, stopping after she passed 100* _Okay, not gonna lie. That's a little weird._

**SunsetSurprise!Edward:** _Must distract her from my age by monologueing about all of my family members' transformations. _Carlisle found me dying of a hispanic flu in 1918. _God, I couldn't even die in a manly way. The flu? Ughh._ Esme fell *cough* jumped *cough* off a cliff, Rosalie was supposed to be my personal play thing, and Emmett got eaten by a bear.

**Bella:** Alice and Jasper?

**SunsetSurprise!Edward: **Jasper was a depressed emo confederate vampire, and Alice just kind of exists. Jasper manipulates moods. _It's actually maddeningly annoying when he gets in one of his "I'm doomed, hate my un-life, would kill myself if I weren't dead" phases. Not fun for anyone._ Alice can see the future *sets jaw in obvious "she saw something pertaining to you that I didn't like" fashion*

**Bella:** Why do you like the North?

**Edward:** Did you have your eyes open this afternoon? I can't walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents. _Jesus, she just doesn't understand the burden of being sparkly._

**Bella:** *stifles a scoff* _Oh God, he really does think his sparkling is something else. If he walked down the street, most people would probably just think that he got into his sister's Pretty Pretty Princess caboodle._

**Edward:** Can I come in?

**Bella:** You want to?

**Edward:** Yes, if it's alright. _It'll be cool to get to come in with someone knowing I'm here. I almost feel more rebellious doing this than sneaking around. I must have some really deep rooted issues. *opening door*_

**Bella: **The door was unlocked?

**Edward:** No, I used the hidden spare key under the eave that no one's supposed to know about. _My silly, stupid Bella._

**Bella:** You spied on me? _Oh hot, sexy man vampire has been peeping on me. Oh glorious day! Damn, damn, damn, Stephenie, this is so not a good idea to put into girls' heads…_

**Stephenie:** Shhhhh, it gets better! And who wouldn't want a sexy guy prying in on every intimate and alone moment you may have? Psht. You are such a prude, Bella.

**Edward:** _The truth finally comes out. *shuddering at own creepiness_* What else is there to do at night?

**Bella:** _ME, you idiot. Do me!_

**Edward:** You're interesting when you sleep. You talk. _You sexy minx. You have some non-Stephenie rated dreams, missy._

**MortifiedTeen!Bella:** No! What did you hear? _.._

**Edward: **You say my name. _That's right. But is it really all that surprising? It is me, of course._

**MortifiedTeen!Bella:** A lot? _Obviously I should know the answer to this. I've been having loofa filled wet dreams about Edward for quite a while. Damn him._

**Edward:** Don't be self-conscious. _Everyone dreams about me. It's not your fault I'm too attractive to the human eye._

**Charlie:** Bella? Can you get me some dinner? I'm bushed.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Crap, forgot to feed Charlie again. If he were a goldfish he would be floating at the top of the tank by now.

**Bella:** Okay, *twiddling thumbs and trying to look nonchalant* I'm going to bed. Nighty night!

**Suspicious!Charlie: **It's Saturday.

**Bella:** Ya, not going out. _Have hot man-pire in my room. No reason to leave._

Bella's Room:

**Edward:** Sit with me.

**Bella:** Can I have a human moment? _Should probably shower. Haven't doused myself properly with shampoo in at least twelve hours._

**Edward:** Certainly. _Is it just me, or does the phrase "human moment" have a sort of nasty connotation to it? I don't know why, but I just don't really want to know what she's doing. *shudders*_

**Bella:** *drenches hair in strawberryness and puts on dirty t-shirt and sweatpants*

**Edward:** _God, we've only been together about a week and she's already let herself go. Nice. Oh well, better than nothing at all *wipes face all over Bella's*_ Mmmmmm…

**Bella:** Why is it easier for you now? _Maybe he can start to do more than just rub his chin on me. It's a little weird. I like it, but kinda weird._

**Edward:** Mind over matter. _Oh, score! Another one of my awesomely witty quips_.

**Bella:** *rolling eyes in head and moving away* _Don't know how many more of those corny quotes I can take, no matter how hot he is._

**Edward:** Did I do something wrong_? Of course I know I didn't. I'm probably just driving her wild with my expertise in cheek rubbing._

**Bella:** No, you're driving me crazy. _Well, at least that wasn't a complete lie._

**Edward:** *watches as ego grows two more feet* If this gets to be too much, I'll be able to leave.

**Bella:** Don't go away. _He is always talking about leaving, but for some reason, this in no way makes me think that he will abandon me in a rainy forest some day._

**Edward:** Bring on the shackles – I'm your prisoner. Wow, Steph, I'm impressed. I knew one of your favorite words was "masochist", but I never thought you were actually into the whole S & M scene.

**Stephenie:** *blushes and looks away, while mumbling* Don't know what gave you that idea. Very common thing. *hides tazer behind back*.

**Edward:** So now I'm going to skip the whole reminiscing on falling in love with you while I pin your wrists to the bed.

**Bella:** Okay!

**Edward:** Should I sing you to sleep_? I have the voice of heavenly angels and the vibrato of a shivering orgasm._

**Bella:** If I don't want to sleep…? _Jesus H. Christ, Edward, I want to have sex with you, not have you sing to me like you're some weird version of a motherly figure. That's not a turn-on, it's bizarre._

**Edward:** What do you want to do then?

**Bella:** _You, Edward, you._ I guess I'll just ask you some random questions that no one cares about, then ask you if you're a mythical creature that will disappear tomorrow.

**Edward:** Okay, well I won't leave you.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** *screaming and stomping foot* I call bullshit!

**Stephenie:** FutureSequel!Bella, you are ruining all of my subtle hints that Edward has codependency issues and will leave Bella brokenhearted.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** Don't wanna burst your bubble there, but subtlety is not your strong point.

**browniechadowes:** FutureSequel!Bella, I respect your opinion, however this parody is only for characters in the first novel. *winking* But don't worry, if people don't get too put out with my sarcasm, I'll use you in the next one.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** *storms away from scene*

**Bella:** *shakes head and refuses to have heard anything FutureSequel!Bella said* I wonder… about you and me… *makes finger in hole motion with hands*… someday.

**Edward:** I don't think that… *looks at Stephenie, who is ominously holding white out to Edward's name on master manuscript* that… would be possible for us. _Gah, Steph scares the shit out of me._ Have _you_ ever… _Can't blame me for asking. I do get to delve into Jessica's thoughts every day. And they are colorful, to say the least._

**Bella:** Of course not. _How dare you. My body is for you and only you, my sparkly sex-cicle._ Do you find me attractive at all?

**Edward:** *laughing* Suuuuure. _Wait, but if this is a question of my manhood, I've had enough of the gay bullshit comments…_ I may not be a human, but I am a man.

**Bella:** _Thank God, he does have a penis._ *yawns*

**Edward:** Do you want me to leave?

**Bella:** No! _Never, ever. Not that I'm paranoid or think you will ever leave me._

**Edward:** *hums in ear*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Damn it. Lesson learned. Fall in love with normal hormonal teenager = numerous sexual escapades. Fall in love with over 100 year old dead guy with no hormones that wants to suck your blood dry = slightly creepy lullaby. Boy am I smart.


	17. Pouty Edward Scissorhand Faces

**Pouty Edward Scissorhand Faces**

**Edward:** Your hair looks like a haystack… _Oh right, I'm supposed to be in love with this mess…_ but I like it.

**Bella:** You stayed! _See, I told you I have absolutely no doubts about him ever leaving me. I'm just happy I was right, not surprised at all, uh uh._ I was sure it was a dream. _Okay, well maybe I'm a little surprised._

**Edward:** *scoffy and condescending* You're not that creative. _Wow, I can be a man bitch sometimes._

**Bella:** Need another human moment. _Ughh am sure I look like utter crap_.

**Edward: **I'll wait. _Really need to talk to her about not using that phrase any more. So very unattractive. At least she's started to lay off of the gaseous food.*Bella re-enters* _You talked in your sleep and said you loved me.

**Bella:** You knew that already. _Hmmm, didn't think he was that dense. I mean, I've been OverObsessed!Bella for at least ten chapters now._

**Edward:** It was nice to hear. _That's right, stroke my male ego… _

**Bella:** I love you.

**Edward:** _Yaaa, that's the spot. Ego is stroked. Mission accomplished._ Okay, breakfast time.

**Bella:** *attempts lame joke by pretending to be scared of Edward*

**Edward:** *attempts to lamely play along to lame joke, causing overall lame attempt at humor*

**Stephenie:** Jeez, I can never get a break, can I? I thought that one actually had some potential. *runs over to fangirl corner seeking reassurance*.

**Edward:** Okay, breakfast time for the human.

**Bella:** Can I get you anything?

**Edward:** _Yes Bella. You should get me half a mountain lion with a side of your leg, and make it snappy, woman._ Just eat, Bella. By the way, you're meeting my family today.

**Bella:** I'm afraid they won't like me. _This, of course is my first fear, not the fact that at least one seems to hate my guts, and they all would prefer me as an appetizer rather than a guest. _

**Edward:** *looking at cereal to change subject* Is that any good?

**Bella:** _Ooh ooh, excited. Here comes my comeback joke. Yay, fun!_ Well, it's no irritable grizzly.

**Edward:** *glowers at bad joke, changing subject again* So, you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend?

**Bella:** _If you want that gorgeous face of yours shot off with a rifle._ Okay, just because I'll always want you. Forever.

**Edward and Bella:** *shiver* Uggghhhhh.

**Edward:** You are completely indecent. _Take that shirt off. Now. _You are tempting.

**Bella:** In a supper way or sexy way?

**Edward:** *grabs Bella and kisses her*

**Bella:** *Super!Swoon* Oops, forgot to breath.

**browniechadowes:** I am reminded of a blonde joke, but it is stupid and out of context. May save it for later when Jacob starts spouting them off to Rosalie.

At Edward's House:

**Edward:** Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella

**Carlisle:** You're very welcome, Bella.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Thank you? I am rather confused by your phrasing.

**Alice:** Hi Bella! *kisses cheek*

**CollectiveCullens:** Le gasp! (whether this be due to girl on girl contact, or human on vampire contact, we cannot be sure)

**Alice:** You smell nice, I never noticed before. _Oh no, if I don't stop talking now, I think I will spawn quite a few Alice/Bella shippers… and browniechadowes has been pretty clear on that topic. Hmmm, too bad, she really does smell nice. Wonder if she ever – _

**browniechadowes: ***clears throat* Love ya, Alice. You are cute as a button, but you are tempting the shippers. And once the shippers are tempted, they go in for the kill.

**Alice: ***winks* gotcha. I'll keep it to myself.

**Jasper:** *feels dejected by Alice's lust glare at Bella* _Note to self: will mope in agony for two hours after Bella leaves. Schedule said mope session in between afternoon groveling and twilight brooding. Check, and check._ Hello Bella. _Aggghhh, the blood… it smells so good. Have no doubt, however, that I will never try to eat Bella under any circumstances. Pleasantries done? Good, back to suffering… wasting away in my own silent –_

**Stephenie: **Jasper, enough is enough. I only gave you two lines in this scene for a reason. You are a Debbie Downer. I don't care how many pouty Edward Scissorhand faces you got in the movie version, this is _my_ novel. Now go back to lamenting somewhere else.

**Jasper:** *leaves dejectedly, muttering something about razor blades and vampire skin, and runs into kinolaughs' arms. Browniechadowes hopes she will be nice to poor Jasper, and hide any sharp objects in his general vicinity*

**Bella:** *ignoring Jasper and looking at piano* I'd like to hear you play.

**Edward:** Couldn't possibly *cracks fingers*, oh no, not in the mood *rifles through sheet music*, I'm so out of practice *sits down on bench, placing his hands on the keys*, really too embarrassed *begins playing a furiously complex concerto* _Hope I was modest and nonchalant enough. Okay, and onto swoonfactor music. _You inspired this one.

**Bella:** *looking around* Where did everyone go?

**Edward:** Giving us privacy. _But I don't know why. We don't really do much of anything._

**Bella:** Rosalie hates me.

**Edward:** _Took_ _you that long to figure out? Better make her feel better, though, or else my cheek rubbing priveleges might be revoked._ She's jealous of you.

**Bella:** *insignificant negative ego-meter raises, almost touching zero* But Jasper seemed distant, too.

**Edward:** I warned him to keep his distance because he's new at being a vegetarian… _On second thought, that wasn't such a bright idea. I think he added brooding to his daily list of activities for that one. Oops._

**Bella:** Alice seems very… enthusiastic. _Wow, are we sure Stephenie wasn't trying to pull a little lesbian ship here?_

**Edward:** Alice has her own way of looking at things. _Damn, that does sound like a little shippage. _

**Bella:** What did Carlisle tell you earlier with his mind?

**Edward:** _Damn it, she chooses the wrong times to be perceptive._ Ya, there are some non-veggie vampires running around Forks. _Not that I hinted of that in other chapters. I was clearly referring to the ticks._

**Scared!Bella:** Eek.

**Edward:** I am now going to distract you and show you the rest of the house. Hallway, Rosalie and Emmett's room, Carlisle's office, Alice's room

**browniechadowes: **Wait, why don't Alice and Jasper share a room?

**Stephenie:** Ummm, I'll take a guess with chaste Mormon values for 100, Ted?

**browniechadowes:** *raises eyebrow*

**Edward:** *clears throat, going back to distracting before being so rudely interrupted by fanfic writer* Here's Carlisle's really old cross. Carlisle's old as dirt, 362. He was bit by a vampire, hid under some moldy potatoes for a few days, and voila, Compassionate!Carlisle was reborn.

**Bella:** And you tell me this because?

**Edward:** No reason. There's no way that Carlisle's past is going to come up as any future plot devices or anything.

**Bella:** Oh, ok!


	18. Sorry Carlisle

**Sorry Carlisle**

**Bella:** So, at the request of the fanfic author, I am summing up the whole Carlisle back story pronto. Sorry Carlisle.

**Carlisle:** Fine by me. I really don't know why my whole history's in there anyway. *shrugs and goes back to reading Gray's Anatomy*

**Bella:** Okay, Edward you wanna take this one?

**Edward:** Sure, my sweet. *takes deep breath* London 1650s, Carlisle becomes DistraughtVampire!Carlisle after emerging from moldy potatoes, tries to kill himself, fails, eats some deer, swims to France, studies lots of stuff, studies in Italy, finds Aro, Marcus, and Caius_… wow, was it really necessary to go into Carlisle's whole background story just to slightly mention a few names who *hint hint* might come up later?_ leaves, somehow goes to Chicago, finds me, bites me, voila BroodingVampire!Edward is born, I leave for a bit, kill some child molesters, get depressed, and come back. The end.

**Stephenie: ***now clutching her temples in her hands, ripping out hair* Really, Edward. How could you do this to me? That was half of the chapter! Half! This is not going to be the equivalent to a short story by the time you're finished with it. Gahhh *stomps out of room*.

**Edward:** *stifles a giggle as Stephenie leaves* _That's for making me a glittery sun-whore, bitch._ Here's my room.

**Bella:** What? *Edward stares with puppy lurrrve eyes*

**Edward:** I'm glad you know I killed a lot of people. It makes me… happy.

**Bella:** I'm glad. _Good lord, I hope no naïve teenage girls try to base their relationships off of this. I have a sad feeling that psycho serial killers are going to be the new vogue, as long as they are debonair gentlemanly psychos. Meh, guess everyone deserves a chance._

**Edward's inner monologue:** No, that is just wrong. Then again, yeeess, I am rather debonair and gentlemanly.

**Bella:** I don't find you scary at all, _sparkle boy._

**Edward:** You really shouldn't have said that. _Bahh hah, it's scare Bella time. If I were considerate at all, I would look back on this and think, "Hmmm, Bella's just met my family full of blood thirsty vampires and I told her that I used to be a serial killer, maybe I shouldn't try to scare her and push my luck", but that just isn't the Edward Cullen style._ *Edward growls*

**Bella:** ? _Okay, I do feel pretty bad. I mean, I might be able to pretend that the sparkles are scary, but really, Edward? Growling?_ You are a very, very terrifying monster *voice coated with sarcasm*

**Edward:** Much better. _I dominate you. *dazzle*_

**Alice:** It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share. _God, does anyone else hear how sexual that sounds? Jasper is not going to be a happy camper._

**Jasper:** *sulks behind Alice, trying with no avail to cut his skin with a butcher knife*

**Edward:** Nope, all mine. _Nom, nom, nom, nom._

**Jasper:** _I'm going to pretend like I can't feel the sexual tension radiating off of everyone in this room. _Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game? _Please, anything to get them to stop thinking about sex!_

**Alice:** Bring Bella!

**Jasper:** *glances, scowls, and sulks out of the room*

**Bella:** What will we be playing? _Ooh, I'm actually slightly excited, even though am clumsy stumblefuck._

**Edward:** *chuckling* _silly Bella, you can't play sports._ You will be watching. We will be playing baseball.

**Bella:** Vampires like baseball?

**Edward:** *groans* Do I really have to say this crap?

**Bella:** After all of the terrible vampire jokes, this one isn't that bad. Just suck it up.

**Edward:** *pulls a face* It's the American pastime. _Lame stamp._


	19. Edward Gets a Canker Sore

**Edward Gets a Canker Sore**

At Bella's:

**Edward:** *grumble grumble* werewolves *grumble bitch moan*

**ShockinglyIndependent!Bella:** Let me deal with this. _He was looking a little scary… his eyes were doing the whole Men in Black alien dark pupil thing. _

**Stephenie:** Bella, what are you doing?!? Edward comes up with the ideas. EDWARD.

**ShockinglyIndependent!Bella:** *flips through manuscript* I didn't change it this time. You wrote it that way.

**Stephenie: **Give me that! *ripping manuscript out of ShockinglyIndependent!Bella's grasp* Oh this is a disaster. Darn it, I'm going to have to fire a few editors over this. Bella, independent? What a load of crow. *Grabs tazer gun and calls lead editor*

**Edward:** Anyway… after you get rid of Billy and "the child", _who will in no way be in competition with me in the future… I simply call him the child affectionately, not to downplay his possible romantic influence, _you have to prepare Charlie to meet your new boyfriend. *dazzling vampire smile as he kisses Bella's jaw* _Really? That's all I get, Steph? The jaw. Who in God's name kisses someone's jaw goodbye?_

**Bella:** *super!swoon* _Ooooh, the jaw!_

**Billy:** Here. *gruffly* have some fish.

**Bella:** Thanks?

**Billy: ***to Jacob* Go find a picture of Bella. Scavenger hunt. Ready? Go!

**Jacob:** Ooookay?

**Billy:** I don't think it's a good idea to hang out with the Cullens.

**Bella:** _Whatever. I think it's a great idea to hang out with thirsty vampires. Psht, you're no fun._ None of your business! And Charlie likes them.

**Billy:** _Charlie's not the brightest star in the sky. I mean, he can't even feed himself._ Just think about what you're doing.

**Bella:** Okay. *thinks* _I am still irrevocably in lurve with my slightly stalkerish, overprotective vamp-cicle of lust._

**Jacob:** Hey, there's no picture anywhere. _And if there was I probably would have known about it in the first place… not that I like Bella at all, or keep pictures of her under my pillow, or have fantasies about Edward leaving and me consoling Bella and her falling in love with me. None of that at all._ Are we leaving already? _Damn._

**Billy:** *forboding, ominous tone* Take care.

**Bella:** *Ignores Billy death glare to answer phone* Hello?

**Jessica:** _This is random. Wonder why the hell Stephenie put this phone call in right now? Plot-wise it doesn't make that much sense. Oh well, I'm in the mood for some Bella bashing._ The dance was so much fun. Pay attention to me! I kissed Mike, just so you know. _Ya, that's right, you're not the only one who can get some sweet ass, bitch. You infected pubic hair to my bikini wax._

**Bella:** …

**Jessica:** Did you hear from Edward Cullen?

**Bella:** ummmm

**Jessica:** Oh, your dad's there.

**Bella:** How does she always know that?

**Jessica:** Never mind. We'll talk tomorrow. _I want to hear just how much slutty mcgee put out. She is so desperate! *hangs up phone to dial Mike*_

**Charlie:** Feed me.

**Bella:** Ok, here's some fish. Oh, and by the way Edward Cullen is taking me on a date tonight.

**Charlie:** *strokes police badge and strikes superman pose* He's too old for you.

**Bella:** _Haha, if only he knew. *shivers slightly*, crap, for a second there I almost forgot he was 90 years older than me. Thanks Charlie. Must get thought of wrinkly old curmudgeons out of my mind._ We're both juniors. _Yeeesss, think of youthful, super sexy Edward. Ahhh happy thoughts._

**Charlie:** Which one is Edwin?

**Bella:** Edward. _God, that's such a stereotypical thing to put in there. Ha ha, the dad can't remember the boyfriend's name._

**Stephenie:** *ducks head in* I would chastise you over the criticism of my witty writing if I weren't busy torturing an editor right now.

**Bella:** _Thank God!_ The smaller one with bronze hair.

**browniechadowes:** Am stumped because I cannot over exaggerate Bella's inner monologue description of Edward. So this is verbatim: The beautiful one, the godlike one.

**Bella:** *to browniechadowes* Ya, I'm pretty much a lost cause by now. Just try living like this every chapter! It is slightly depressing, yet I can't quit saying it.

**Charlie:** *lets out deep breath* _That's a relief. I'm pretty sure that one swings another way._ Where is he taking you?

**Bella:** We're playing baseball… _well, they were playing baseball. Have to keep reminding myself that I am much too weak to do anything physical or challenging whatsoever. Silly, silly me._

**Edward:** Hello Chief Swan. I am now going to dazzle you with my gentlemanliness, and you are going to let Bella come with me, and I am going to promise that she will be safe, and that in no way will any hungry vampires try to hunt her down and eat her.

**Charlie:** Sounds good to me.

**Edward and Charlie: ***laugh chummingly*

**Bella:** Did I miss something?

**Edward:** *as Bella gets into Jeep* Buckle up.

**Bella:** *tangles self in multiple seat belts, crying helplessly* Can't buckle self in!

**Edward:** *sighs* _I swear, sometimes it's more like having a kid than a girlfriend/soul mate/love forever. _*quickly clicking in belt buckles*

**Bella:** Aren't you going to buckle?

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* _I wonder if she will ever get it through her skull that I am the undead and therefore probably am not afraid of dying in a car accident, unless said accident severed my body into multiple pieces and set each piece on fire._

**Bella:** This is a…um…_big_ Jeep you have.

**Browniechadowes:** *giggles at sexual connotation*

**Edward:** It's Emmett's. _Just wait 'til you see my "Jeep". Oh right, that will be never, because I'm not allowed to do more than kiss your freaking jaw._ Okay *stopping Jeep* time to hop on my back.

**Bella:** Uh uh. Not happening.

**Edward:** _God, she is being a little bitch today. Calm, Edward._ *setting self into super!dazzle mode* What are you worried about?

**Bella:** Hitting trees, death, getting sick.

**Edward:** *kisses throat* Now?

**Bella:** _Ummm, kissing my neck doesn't get rid of the trees, or death, or motion sickness, oh brilliant love of mine._ Yes.

**Edward:** *kisses chin* Now?

**Bella:** _Will he just quit it with the chin thing? It's weird._ Trees.

**SuperDazzleMode!Edward:** _Hmmm trickier than I thought._ There is nothing to be afraid of. *rough kisses Bella while Super!dazzzling*

**Bella:** _Agghhh ok, must maul Edward. *kisses him crazily, accidentally biting his tongue*_

**Edward:** Damn it, Bella! You'll be the death of me. _Arghh, now I'm going to have a canker sore. Can vampires get those? _*puts Bella down after running stealthily, dodging trees and death and motion sickness*.

**Bella:** *slips on mud and ass-plants*

**Edward:** Tee hee.

**Bella:** Grrrr. _Am going to pretend to be mad, even though I can only reach ever so slightly annoyed, because Edward is my unequivocal lover love._

**Edward:** Don't be mad. I love you. _Hint number two for guys. Wait to say the big L word until you are in deep shit and the girl is super pissed at you. They will forget about the fight, and will turn into ball of mush. Hooray for my dashing manly man-ness._

**Gullible!Bella:** Awww. I am so lucky to have such a caring and considerate boyfriend who would never laugh at me, leave me, or put me in harm's way *wipes fangirl drool from face*

**Edward:** Ready for some ball?

**Unenthusiastic!Bella**_: Only if it's yours. Oh right, that can't happen._ Go team…

**Esme:** Okay, Bella, I am going to walk by your side and tell you that I lost a baby, jumped off a cliff trying to commit suicide, and think Edward's wrong for you but am okay with it because he used to be slightly socially retarded, for no apparent reason. Put you in the mood for some baseball?

**Bella:** ? _Jesus that was random. _

**Esme:** Batter up!

**Bella's inner monologue:** *watching game* This is actually both cool and annoying. Cannot see the ball or anything that's going on, but the sounds are so fun to listen to. Yay *claps hands*, loud noises.

**Edward:** I'm up. _Watch me kick some baseball ass. I am in no way overcompensating for presumptions that I'm not the straightest pencil in the pack. _

**Bella's inner monologue:** He played intelligently, keeping the ball low, out of the reach of Rosalie. _That's right, Rosalie, back off of my Edward's balls._

**Orchestra:** *maestro furiously taps baton* Bum bum buuuuuummmmmmmm…

**Alice:** *freaky bugged eye glaze* Theeey're heeeereeeee.

**Everyone:** ?

**Alice:** _Do I really have to spell it out? Stephenie's been foreshadowing this since, like the middle of this parody. _Human munching vampires, at your 3 o'clock.

**Carlisle:** Is that all? Let's keep playing. _Woo hooo, baseball!_

**Edward:** Take your hair down. _That will in no way allow the wind to whip through your strawberry glazed tresses easier causing your scent to travel through the air faster. Not at all._ *Pulls hair in front of Bella's face* _Hmmm, maybe if I do this they'll just think Chewbacca was beamed down to play some ball. Edward, you are brilliant, brilliant I say._

**Alice:** *raising an eyebrow to Edward* _Ummm, wow that's a stupid idea_. That won't help. _Jesus Edward, why don't you tell her to cover her eyes so that they can't see her? That would be just about as intelligent._

**Edward:** *slaps head* Of course!

**Invisible!Bella's inner monologue:** So, with Edward standing in front of me, I stuck my hair to the front of my face and covered my eyes with my hands. I am now invisible. Suck on that, evil vampires… I mean that in a purely figurative sense…


	20. Second Helpings of Priest

**Shouldn't Have Had Second Helpings of Priest**

**Laurent:** We thought we heard a game. I'm Laurent, these are Victoria and James.

**Jasper's inner monologue:** Runaway slave, runaway slave! Long live the Confederacy! Damn you, Harriet Tubman.

**Laurent:** *looking at Jasper, who was now whipping out a Ku Klux Klan hood* ?

**Carlisle:** Hey, can you not hunt in the immediate area?

**Laurent:** Of course. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway. _Mmmm prostitute with a side of priest. It's like salty and sweet._

**Bella:** AAAGGGHHH!!!! *hair ruffled with the light breeze* **Ya, Edward, letting my hair down was a brilliant idea.**

James: *sniff sniff* _Oh god, is that strawberries with a hint of beans? Irresistible. The hunt is on, bitches!_

**Laurent:** _Human?_ You brought a snack? _Knew I shouldn't have had second helpings of priest._

**Edward:** Grrroowwwlll.

**Bella:** *looks embarrassed at unintimidating prissy growl coming from Edward*

**Carlisle:** She's with us.

**Laurent's inner monologue:** Jesus, calm down. It's not like we're the ones that are being blatantly unstereotypical.

**ProtectiveForAReasonFinally!Edward:** Let's go, Bella. *slings Bella over back growling explicatives*

**Bella:** Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me? _Not that I'm not flattered… actually this could be really good. Kidnap me Edward, my cold slab of protective undeadness. Hmmm, but it'd be pretty fun roleplaying to try to resist._ No! Edward! No, you can't do this. I won't! Take me back! Charlie will call the FBI! You're not ruining everything over me! *places hand over forehead in theatrical pose* _Wow, that's hot._

**Edward:** Calm down, Bella. _And I can tell that you're being overdramatic because you think it's sexy._

**Bella:** *pouts*

**Edward:** _God, this might be just a LITTLE bit serious. Sometimes I wonder if she's quite right in the head. _He's a tracker, and he wants her.

**Alice's inner monologue:** Who wouldn't want her?

**Edward:** *rolls eyes at Alice's inner thoughts* _Stupid Alice/Bella shipper._ He begins the hunt tonight.

**Alice:** _Uh uh, there is no way anyone's touching my Bella._

**Martyr!Bella:** Okay, I'm going to be completely selfless… again… and risk everything to tell Charlie and try to leave everyone else out of my little vampire problem. K? K.

**Edward:** That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

**Martyr!Bella:** Noooo, hear my plan!

**Everyone:** *humoring Bella with slightly condescending looks* Okay.

**Bella:** I tell my dad I want to go to Phoenix. I wait 'til the tracker is looking, then we run. He'll follow us. Charlie won't call the FBI, and you can take me wherever you want.

**Stephenie: **… ummm, Bella? Did you just come up with a plan that actually had an iota of consistency to it?

**Bella:** *stroking slightly growing ego* Mmmmm hmmmm. *singing to self* Here she coooommmmeesss… Suuuupeeerr Beeeeeellllllaaaaaa!

**Stephenie:** *rolls eyes, pulls up sleeves, and goes to find the rest of the editors*

**Edward**: Okay, but you have 15 minutes. Do you hear me? 15 minutes. _Haha, see how I did that? Put her back in her place. That's right my sexy puppet._

**Martyr!Bella:** I think you should let me go alone. _Hey, Stephenie, I think you got the last editor. I'm back to being a martyr and personally unaware when it comes to my own safety and ravenous vampires._

**Stephenie:** *wipes sweat from forehead* Oh, goodie *claps hands* Yay, now I can go back to watching. *grabs bag of bagels and starts munching down as drama ensues*

**Edward:** Do this my way, just this once. _Take note, by using the phrase "just this once" I make it seem as if I do not control every facet of her life, and that she usually gets her way… ahhh sweet manipulation *twiddles fingers maniacally*_

**Alice:** Oooh, and Jasper and I can take her away. _Yay, alone time with my sweet Bella._

**browniechadowes:** *clears throat*

**Alice:**… in a completely platonic sense.

**Edward:** Bella, if you let anything happen to yourself, I will personally kill you and drain all the blood out of your stupid little body.

**Stephenie:** Edward, maybe a tidge less harsh.

**Edward:** Ughhh, but she's been so annoying. If she gets hurt I can't just finish her off?

**Stephenie:** *thinks for a few minutes* Eh, no. I wouldn't really have any qualms with it because she has been a stick in my side, but she is kind of the protagonist of the story, and who would Jessica have to bash after that? No one wants to see her pick on Angela.

**Edward: **Damn it. I guess you're right. Alice, can you handle this?

**Alice:** *grrrooowwlll*

**Edward:** Good. *muttering* But keep your opinions to yourself.

**Alice:** Oh shit, did he read my mind in the shower this morning? I'm sorry, for some reason when I started to lather up my loofa my mind kinda wandered to Bella. Oops.


	21. Blue 42!

**Blue 42!**

**Bella:** *flipping through manuscript* What do you say we cut this chapter down a bit? There's quite a bit of fluff.

**Edward:** Did someone say fluff? For some reason that makes me think of sex and feathers…

**Bella:** ? Anyway, ya I'll just kinda speed through the whole Charlie fight thing, because in all seriousness, how interesting of a character is Charlie?

**Charlie:** *pops head up, with a mouth full of lasagna* Not very.

**Bella:** *takes deep breath* I'm going home. I love Edward, so I broke up with him, Mom hated Forks. I hate forks.

**Charlie:** But it's nighttime. You can't leave if it's nighttime.

**Bella:** _Really, Charlie, is that the best you've got? I'm being a petulant bitch of a teen right now._ Just let me go. I really, really hate Forks.

**Charlie:** But who will feed me? *wonders aimlessly through the house, trying to eat a bar of soap*

**Edward: **The tracker's following us.

**Bella:** AAAAGGGHHH!

**Edward:** It's going to be all right.

**Bella:** Not when I'm not with you. _Of course I'm not lamenting over the fact that I was a complete bitch to the dad that I abandoned for so many years in the first place. I am just completely and utterly obsessed with my glitter boy._

**Edward:** It's kinda your fault the tracker's following you. _If you stopped slathering yourself with that ridiculous strawberriness, he wouldn't have liked you so much. _

**Bella:** I thought… I didn't smell the same to the others… as I do to you. _Personal brand of heroin, remember?!? I am super special to you. TELL ME I'M SUPER SPECIAL TO YOU!!!_

**Edward's inner monologue: **Don't flatter yourself, Bella, it's just your terrible attempt at hygiene that gets you into these messes.

**Bella:** How do you kill a vampire?

**Edward:** _Hmmm, I'll be sure to break it to her delicately so she doesn't have even more stress on her tonight._ You tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces.

**Bella:** AGGGHHH!

**Laurent:** Sorry, you are le screwed. James is lethal. You are vampire snack food. Au revoir, my stupid little friends! *flounces out of the house*

**Jasper:** Send out the dogs! Someone grab him. Alert, alert, don't let him get too far north!

**Everyone:** ?

**Edward:** Hey Rosalie, switch clothes with Bella. _Because I in no way want to see both of you naked together._

_Rosalie:_ *channeling some serious Jessica* Why should I? What is she to me? _Except a menace. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Edward must be gay if he chose you over me. Warm blooded idiot._

**Bella:** *Regarding Rosalie's death glare* AAAGHHH!

**Edward:** *ignoring Rosalie* Esme? _Okay, because I in no way want to see Esme and Bella naked together. Aghh, God, need to stop jumping into Mike's thoughts so often. I am getting some serious mom/Bella slash going on in my head._

**Esme:** Of course. *starts stripping down Bella and swapping clothes with her*

**Alice:** No fair.

**Carlisle:** Okay, Blue 42! Blue 42! Break!

**Everyone:** ?

**Carlisle:** No? Jesus, alright. Alice, Jasper, Bella = Mercedes. Emmett, me, Edward = Jeep. Esme & Rosalie = shitty truck. *Rosalie scoffs*. Ready? Break!

**CreepySensitive!Jasper: **You're wrong, you know.

**Bella:** What? _Me, wrong? Never, I say!_

**CreepySensitive!Jasper:** You are worth it. _Damn it, Alice needs to stop feeling all warm and fuzzy around Bella. It's starting to wear off on me. Oh the pain! *Goes to find Stephenie, hoping to provoke her into tazing him*._

**Alice:** *arms held out* May I? **Yesss, sweet divinity.**

**Bella:** You're the first one to ask permission.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Now I am going to, without any sexual connotation at all, describe how she lifted me in her slender arms as easily as Emmett had, shielding me protectively. Wow, I dunno, browniechadowes, I think Stephenie is shipping slightly in this direction. I mean, this is coming straight out of the manuscript.

**browniechadowes:** *grumble*


	22. Stage Five Clinger

**Stage Five Clinger**

**Bella's inner monologue:** When I woke up I was confused. It took me a long time to realize where I was. A hotel. I tried to remember how I got here, but nothing came at first. _Oh Jesus Christ, *checks lower back and stomach for incision marks* Whew, thank God. I think I still have my kidneys and my liver. Oh, am now starting to piece it together:_ I remembered Alice sitting with me on the dark leather backseat. My closeness didn't seem to bother her at all, and her cool, hard skin was oddly comforting to me. _AAGHHH?!? Shipping must stop!_

**Alice: **Can I come in?

**browniechadowes:** Heh, that's what she said.

**Bella:** Okay.

**Alice:** *with a big plate of food* Eat.

**Bella:** nom nom nom nom.

**Alice:** Now we just wait for Carlisle to call. _I am in no way nervous that he hasn't called and am not going to be evasive in any way._

**Martyr!Bella:** Argghh, none of you should be risking yourselves for me –

**SensitiveJasper:** Our family is only worried about losing you. _Well, at least two people in this family are at least._ *shoots jealous glare at Alice, then pencils in three more hours of brooding*

**Alice:** *touching Bella's cheek with her cold fingers* It's been almost a century that Edward's been alone. _We're all just happy that he seems to be straight. And that you are a little piece of sexy._

**Bella:** Alice?

**Alice:** Yes? _My sweet?_

**Bella:** What do you think they're doing?

**Alice:** _She came up with the plan. Did she not hear Carlisle go over the logistics? Hmmm, am starting to see what Edward meant by a little slow._ Having rampant kinky vampire sex.

**Bella:** ?

**Alice:** They're fine.

**Bella:** How do you become a vampire? _Just out of curiosity. I in no way want to change into a vampire after giving birth to Edward's demon spawn or anything._

**Alice:** _Really?_ Ummm, a vampire bites you.

**Bella:** Aha! _Elementary my dear Watson._

**Alice:** *creepy exorcist face* Something's changed.

**Bella:** What do you see?

**Alice:** Long room, mirrors everywhere. Wood floor. Gold stripe. VCR. Ahhh, too dark! Mirrors and gold. Big stereo.

**Bella:** *on the phone with Edward* Alice saw that he got away.

**Edward:** He won't find anything to lead him to you. You just have to stay there and wait till we find him again. _Note to self: Put this piece of advice in "Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass" file to pull out for later._

**Bella:** I miss you. – Oh God, Edward. Brace yourself. I feel some serious cheese coming our way.

**Edward:** I know. Let's just get it over with.

**Stephenie:** *drools on self*

**Edward:** *wrinkling nose at Stephenie* It's like you've taken half my self away with you.

**Bella:** Come and get it, then.

**Edward:** Soon, as soon as I possibly can.

**Bella:** I luuuuurrve you.

**Edward:** Could you believe that, despite you being a complete dumbass and a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger, I still love you?

**Bella:** Yes, I can. _Because you luuurrrve me too!_

**Edward:** I'll come for you soon.

**Bella:** I'll be waiting… _tee hee, that's what she said. _

**Alice:** *draws picture furiously*

**Bella:** _Oooh oooh, Pictionary!_ It's a strip club, a circus funny mirror place… come on, Alice, I need more than that.

**Alice:** *draws pictures of ballerinas*

**Bella:** It's a ballet studio! _Uh oh, I used to take ballet lessons. Must call mom and tell her not to come to Arizona. Must save mommy! _*calls mom* Don't go anywhere until you talk to me. I am going to be very cryptic, but you need to trust me… and if any vampires try to lure you in with their glittery skin and silky stare, just say no.

**Bella's inner monologue:** The touch of Alice's cold hands woke me briefly as she carried me to the bed.

**browniechadowes: ***chucks pencil, aiming for Stephenie's eye* Really, you could be a little less obvious with the lesbian shippage.

**Stephenie:** *with a coy smile* I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.


	23. James, I Want Your Body

**James, I Want Your Body**

**Bella:** Did you see something more? *looks at picture* _Eeekk! My house. That is no good_.

**Alice:** Edward is coming to get you. We'll meet him at the airport, and you'll leave with him. _Before you can do something genuinely stupid in the name of martyrdom._

**Bella:** What if you get hurt, Alice? Do you think that's okay with me?

**Alice:** _Awww, she does love me. _

**Jasper:** *looking broodingly at expression on Alice's face* _Poppies, ahhhaha, poppppiiiiiessss. Sleeeep._

**Bella:** I don't want to go back to sleep! _Stupid Jasper._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I am now going to curl myself into the fetal position for a few hours and rock back and forth like an insane person.

**Alice:** Bella, phone. It's your mom.

**Bella:** Mom?

**James:** Haha, psych! _Alright, Edward sucks at the whole Jedi mind trick thing, but I'm guessing it's worth a shot._ You will repeat after me *waves arm in air by the phone's mouthpiece*: No, mom, stay where you are.

**Bella:** _AGHHHH! Curse your tricks._ No mom, stay where you are.

**James:** Mom, please listen to me.

**Bella:** Mom, please listen to me.

**James:** Mom, trust me.

**Bella:** Mom, trust me.

**James:** James, I want your body, and I think you're sexy.

**Bella:** James, I want your – hey! No fair. Quit taking advantage of my delicate nature and affinity for being dominated.

**James:** Sorry, couldn't resist. So you need to get away from the vampires and meet me at your house. And don't bring them or I will eat your mom like a toasty pop tart.

**Bella:** No.

**James:** Pretty please?

**Bella:** _Aww, he said please. _Yes.

**James:** _Wow, that was easier than I thought._ Now say, I love you mom. I'll see you soon.

**Bella:** I love you mom. I'll see you soon. _Ooooohhhhhhh the pain, the pain of it all. How I wish this was only a trap to get me alone without protective vegetarian vampires._

**Bella's death letter: **Edward, I love you and I'm sorry I'm such a martyrish idiot. If I get away from them, tell them thank you for me. Alice especially… _really? Still slashy?_ I love you, and forgive me for being a habitual dumbass.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I hoped he would understand. And then I – Stephenie. I draw the line at this. I mean, I have gone along with all of the other mushy crappy dribble, but I've just about had enough of this shit.

**Stephenie:** Oh good grief, Bella, stick it out for a few more pages. The story's almost over.

**Bella's Resigned!inner monologue:** And then I carefully sealed away my heart. *shudders*


	24. Evidence That Bella is a Dumbass

**Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass**

**browniechadowes: **Sorry this one is so short, but surprisingly not too much happens.

**Stephenie:** That or someone is obsessed with hacking my masterpiece to shreds.

**brownichadowes:** If I hack it to pieces and burn it, will it go away forever?

---------------------------------------------------------

**Bella:** Alice, what did you see? _Hmmm, wonder what could possibly be in her visions. Not like I was plotting to run away or anything._

**Alice:** Nothing, really. _You being a terrible best friend and lover by running away from me to become a snack for a sadistically aggravating vampire._

At the airport:

**Bella:** Do you mind waiting outside the girl's room?

**Jasper:** _No, I was planning on coming in with you._ I'll be right here.

**Bella:** *duck, dive, dodge, run run run.* Stop that cab! _Wooo hooo, just escaped in order to face my own death. You would think I would be feeling just a little bit more disconcerted._

At Bella's mom's house:

**Bella:** *talking into phone* Is my mom alright?

**James:** She's perfectly fine. _Tee hee. This is going to be fun._ Meet me at your ballet studio.

**Bella:** Why didn't you just have me meet you there in the first place, instead of taking a detour to my house?

**James:** Plot suspense?

In the ballet studio:

**Bella**: *looking at TV screen*

**TV:** Bella, bella? *screen turns blue and creepy guy from Saw pops up* Wanna play a game?

**Stephenie:** *rolls eyes* and you think my attempts at humor are stupid.

**browniechadowes:** *frowns*

**Bella:** Well crap, should've seen this one coming.

**James:** *fans himself with Edward's "Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass" file* _Yup, you really should have._ You don't sound angry that I tricked you.

**Martyr!Bella**_:_ I'm not. Charlie and mom are safe, _and I almost feel as if I am going to break out into hysterical giggles. That can't be a sane response._

**James:** Is your boyfriend going to avenge you?

**Bella:** No, I asked him not to.

**James:** Damn. Well this is really boring. Meh, we can't just end the novel like this, so I am going to spend a few pages doing the normal evil villain monologueing while I wait for the others to show up. That okay with you?

**Bella:** If you must.

**James:** Care if I video tape it? Nothing too kinky, I promise.

**Bella:** Whatever floats your boat.

**VillainMonologueing!James:** So I wanted to kill Alice a long time ago, didn't do it, tried to get back at my failure by killing you. You smell good, but not as good as her, and now I am going to stroke your cheek oh so seductively. Okay, that pretty much sums it up. But I am going to take a painfully long time to eat you. It has nothing to do with the novel not being able to end without me being torn to pieces and you staying alive.

**Bella:** Well, I guess I asked for it.

**James:** *hits Bella in the chest*

**Bella:** Really? My boob? Who goes for the boob?

**James:** God, shut up. *steps on foot*

**Bella:** Owww. _Bitch, you just broke my leg._

**James:** Mmmmmm, you're bleeding.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Big money, big money, no whammies, quick death, please!


	25. browniechadowes Gets a Conscience

**browniechadowes Gets a Conscience… Sort of**

**browniechadowes: **So I should have combined these past two chapters together. I just figured the big showdown would have more length to it. My fault for overestimating Mrs. Meyer.

The Angel

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I am tripping out pretty heavily. Like, worse than the 60's acid test. I know I'm dead when a freaking angel shows up. Heh, at least I'm going to heaven.

**Angel!NotEdward:** Oh no, Bella, no! *Picks up discarded "Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass" file* Uggghhh I knew it. Carlisle!

**browniechadowes:** Oh no, I regret to inform the reader that I actually cannot pull myself to make fun of Angel!NotEdward crying over Bella, no matter how controlling and possessive he is. Gah, foiled by Stephenie.

**Stephenie:** *Tugging mercilessly at browniechadowes heartstrings*

**browniechadowes: **Ouch! What the fuck, bitch, that hurts! Alright, I'm pulled back together. Sorry for the interruption folks.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Damn it, heaven hurts like a bitch… wait that's not an angel, it's my damned undead boyfriend. YAY!

**Bella: **Edward, it hurts!

**Edward:** I know, Bella.

**Bella:** My hand is burning!_ Gaaahhhhh, damn it, damn it. Who the fuck set my hand on fire? That's so not cool._

**Carlisle:** He bit her. Edward, suck the venom out of her.

**Edward:** I don't know…

**Carlisle:** God, quit your bitching, Edward. I can't do it. I'm too busy trying to stop her from bleeding everywhere else.

**Edward:** Okay_, though I still don't see why I can't take care of that. I have two medical degrees. And you kinda have the better expertise at not killing the people who's blood you taste. But whatever._

**Bella:** Ya, that really makes no freaking sense.

**Edward:** *ssssslllluuuurrrrrppeee* Ick, morphine.

**Bella:** I smell gasoline.

**Edward:** Silly Bella. Go to sleep.

**Irate!Emmett:** Wait, so there's not going to be a kick ass fight scene? What the fuck? I freaking ripped his damn head off. I want a refund. He did all of that evil monologueing for the fight to be omitted from the book just because Bella's unconscious. Fuck that noise. *stomps off to punch something*


	26. FutureSequel Bella

**FutureSequel!Bella and SuperForeshadowing!Edward**

At the hospital:

**Bella:** I need to call Charlie and my mom.

**Edward:** They're here.

**Bella:** Why did you tell her I'm here?

**Edward:** I simply told her that you were attacked and bitten by a vampire, and I snacked on the venomous blood until it was all better.

**Bella:** ? Too soon, Edward.

**Edward:** Oh, alright. I told her you fell down two flights of stairs and through a window_, my delectable little stumblefuck._ They gave you some transfusions. I didn't like it – _it made you smell like old man for a while._

**Bella:** How did you do it?

**Edward:** I must love you.

**Bella:** *bats eyes* Don't I taste as good as I smell.

**Edward:** Ewww, Steph, really? You had to go there. This is just sick, really.

**Stephenie:** Nope, it's kosher because you stopped. Definitely not a creepy fetish lying in the back of my head.

**Edward:** *stares incredulously* Even better – better than I'd imagined.

**Bella:** I'm sorry. _Wait, am I actually apologizing for the way my blood tastes. That is just really twisted and wrong._ What happened to James?

**Edward:** Emmett and Jasper took care of him.

**Irate!Emmett:** *pops head in* Hmmmm, ya, because that was portrayed in the book and everything. Not. Fuck you Stephenie.

**Bella:** But you and Alice and Carlisle stayed.

**Edward:** We all love you. _It's actually a pretty fucked up triangle, to tell the truth. No wonder there are so many perverted fanfics out there._

**Bella:** Uggghhh, needle. Going to be sick.

**Edward:** *mouth opens slightly, re-reading and re-reading the page of his manuscript* Is this possible? Really possible? Could Stephenie have written something snarky and, dare I say witty?

**Bella:** Ahhhh, really? Let's hear it!

**Edward:** A sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand… *does a little victory dance to himself*

**Stephenie:** Why is everyone so surprised? I told you I was funny.

**Edward:** *leans in to kiss Bella*

**Bella's heartbeat:** *beep……beep….beep…beep..beep...beep. ------- flatline.

**Edward:** Oh God, I killed Bella!

**Bella:** I was not finished kissing you.

**Edward's inner monologue:** Your fucking heart stopped Bella. God, you are a lost cause.

**BackToBeingOverlyObsessed!Bella:** Don't leave me!

**Edward:** I won't.

**FutureSequelBella: ***runs up and slaps Edward* Bastard.

**Edward:** ? *feigns sleep as Renee walks in*

**Renee:** You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there. He's such a nice man… very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor_… mmmmmm pencil in date with loofa after I get back to the hotel. _

**Bella:** *ignores Renee's glazed over stare* Where's Phil? _Ahem, your husband?_

**Renee:** He got signed. You'll like Jacksonville! It's always sunny.

**Bella:** Mom, I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks. _Was she completely in the dark. There was no way I was going to leave my ice pack hunk of meat lover love behind. Duh._ I want to live in Forks.

**Renee**_**:**__ Why? Must be the boy. Hmmm, if I were a perceptive mother and could see just how unhealthy the relationship is, I would probably drag her ass back with me. As I am not, and care more about Phil and my loofa, I will just prance off into the beautiful land o' denial. _Love you, Bella. Be careful when you walk. I don't want to lose you. _God, I gave birth to the clumsiest person alive._

**Edward:** I thought you'd want to go to Florida.

**Bella:** Silly vampire. You'd have to stay inside all day.

**Edward:** _Was she really that thick._ Ummm Bella I wouldn't go with you.

**Bella:** Don't leave me.

**Edward:** I won't.

**Bella:** Do you swear you won't leave me?

**Edward:** I swear.

**FutureSequel!Bella:** *grabs tazer from Stephenie and runs into the scene* Edward, you are a worthless piece of shit. Friggin' lying asshole. *tazes Edward*

**browniechadowes:** *pats FutureSequel!Bella's head* There, there. The reviews on this parody have been great, so I promise you will get your chance to be all angsty in the New Moon parody. K? Now go find FutureSequel!Jake to go off and cry to.

**Bella:** *pretends to not have heard anything FutureSequel!Bella said* If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery. Promise me.

**Edward:** What?

**Bella:** You know what.

**LyingSackOShitEdward:** I supposed you'll get your way.

**Bella:** Why didn't you turn me into SuperVampire!Bella?

**Edward:** *hums to self* _What? Did you ask a question?_

**Bella:** I have no experience with relationships, but a man and woman have to be somewhat equal. _*scoffs* Riiiiight, like I would ever come up with that epiphany. The whole freaking relationship is built on her being completely useless. If I were turned into a vampire, a shitty book would obviously result._

**Stephenie:** *hurriedly hides "Breaking Dawn" behind her back*

**Bella:** I want to be superman.

**Edward:** That's stupid.

**Bella:** You are my life. _Turn me vamptastic, darling. Ravish me with your oh so tingly venom. Pretty, please with a cherry on top?_

**Edward:** I can't do it Bella.

**Bella:** Why not?

**Edward:** _Because I'm not sure I want to spend an eternity with the overly obsessive person that is you? _Just no.

**Bella:** If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well. You're not the only vampire I know. _Wah ha, try and beat that, my delicious vampire god._

**Edward:** Alice wouldn't dare.

**Alice:** *peeks in* Hmmm, I would probably offer to, but it's not like I can see the future or anything.

**Bella:** So where does that leave us? _Besides with you being a stubborn asshole hogging all the superhuman glory?_

**Edward:** I believe it's called an _impasse._

**Edward and Bella:** ? Well that's stupid and resolves absolutely nothing.

**Bella:** *Slaps IV* Ouch.

**Edward:** I think we're ready for more pain medication. _Ya, time to dope Bella up. Give my nerves a little rest._

**Bella:** I'm afraid to close my eyes. _Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave… not that I have any evidence to think you might._

**SuperForeshadowingEdward: **As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here. You'll get over me, it's just a crush. That's the beautiful thing about being human. Things change.

**Bella's inner monologue:** For some reason that does not make me feel any more at ease.

**SuperForeshadowingEdward:** Alright, how about one more? As long as it makes you happy, as long as it's what's best for you.

**DopedUp!Bella:** K. Edward?

**Edward:** Yes?

**DopedUp!Bella:** I'm betting on Alice.

**Alice: ***from under the hospital bed* Yessss, victory is mine! Mwa ha ha.


	27. note from browniechadowes

**Note from browniechadowes:**

So here it is, all. The epilogue will be up either later tonight, or pronto tomorrow. It's been really fun doing this parody, and I've loved all the feedback. I'm still bored as hell around here, so if everyone did a bit of ego stroking, I'm sure I would be willing to start up on New Moon (as long as the sarcasm hasn't hit overload for too many people). Happy New Year, and thanks for the reviews!


	28. Bella the Pirate Hooker

**browniechadowes: **Here it is, the last chapter. I do not own the characters of Twilight, even though several have attempted to run away and force me to adopt them. Don't ask. Oh, I don't own Stephenie Meyer either… and am not sure I would want to *shudders*

**Bella the Pirate Hooker**

**Bella:** At what point are you going to tell me what's going on?

**Edward:** _Good God, it is nearly the end of the parody and she still is dumber than a box of rocks… let's see, you're wearing a PROM dress, I'm wearing a tux, the date of the PROM has been plastered all over school, and nearly five people have asked you to PROM in the past few months._ I'm shocked that you haven't figured it out yet.

**Bella:** I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie. *hobbles around on one heel, thus resembling some bizarre version of a pirate hooker. Arrrr*

**HookerPirate!Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmmm I'm wearing a pretty dress, he's wearing a tux, there is nothing special about this date in particular, and I have been so absorbed in my Edwardkins that I ignore anything that anyone tells me. He must be turning me into a vampire!

**Edward:** *picks up phone* Hello, Tyler, this is Edward Cullen. I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight. No offense. Sorry about your evening. _Booo ya bitch._ Was that last part a bit too much? *smirking* _crushing the pinnacle of a teenage boy's high school career is just too fun. This in no way makes me a sadistic prick *dazzles readers*_

**Irate!Bella:** _Ooooohhh, and it all makes sense now._ *gears finally kicking into place* You're taking me to the prom! _Why, Edward, why? Okay, does he not realize that it might not be the best idea to strap your stumblefuck girlfriend into six inch heels and make her hobble around prom?_

**Edward: **Ummm, Bella, what did you think we were doing?

**Irate!Bella:** I'm mad! Look at this shoe! It's a death trap! *shoves leg in front of Edward*

**Edward:** _Mmmmm legs. .. Mike Newton, wolves, pizza. Ahhh that's better._ Don't worry, I won't let go of you once, I promise. _And I always keep every promise I make. Always, I tell you!_

At the Prom:

**Bella:** This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.

**Edward:** *throws cupcake he had been picking apart at Stephenie's head* Really? In the epilogue? You couldn't just lay of the bad vampire jokes? You're going to run out of them before you finish your series. Do we have to finish this excuse of a joke?

**Stephenie:** Yes, you do. And actually, I have quite a few more witty quips up my sleeve. Just you wait, my sweet *tweaks Edward's nose affectionately*

**Edward:** *suppresses a shudder* Well, there are more than enough vampires present.

**Bella:** Want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?

**Edward:** And where are you?

**Bella:** Duh, my silly Edward. I will be deluding myself into believing that I belong with the vampires.

**Edward:** *manhandles Bella, forcing her to dance on her broken foot, hobbling along on her lone heel*

**Bella:** Okay, this isn't half bad. _The other half, however, is throbbing terribly under my plaster cast. Mmmm hmmm, sure this is every teenage girl's dream. Having a boyfriend who is obviously better looking, sucking at dancing, and hopping around like a peg legged pirate. Perfect._

**Jacob:** Hey, Bella, I was hoping you would be here. Can I cut in?

**Edward:** _Of course you can, you cute little freshman. I am only letting you touch her because you will at no point in time be any sort of manly man competition for my oh so perfectly sculpted glittery ass._

**Jacob:** Thanks.

**Bella:** *swaying awkwardly with Jacob* So, how did you end up here tonight?_ I mean, in the movie version you just kinda show up out of the woods. Kinda creepy, but at least we knew where you came from… sort of… even though that really doesn't make sense either._

**Jacob:** Can you believe my dad paid me twenty bucks to cum in my pants?

**Bella:** ?

**Jacob:** _Aggghhhh, did I just say that?_ *clears throat* …to come to your dance?

**Bella:** Yes, I can. See anything you like? _And I mean that in a completely non-prostitute sort of way, even though I do look like a pirate whore tonight._

**Jacob:** Yeah, but she's taken. You look really pretty.

**Bella:** _Oh no, mayday mayday! Must go back to friend mode, pronto._ So why did Billy pay you to come here?

**Jacob:** He wants you to break up with your boyfriend. _Yup, all him. Absolutely nothing about it on my part. Not like I picture you breaking up with him and having rampant werewolf sex with me._

**Stephenie:** You're not supposed to know about the whole werewolf plot twist yet, Jacob. Zip your lips.

**Jacob: **Ummm, really Stephenie? You're not very subtle. You've been hinting about the werewolf thing since I first entered the picture.

**Stephenie:** *mumbles to self* I am a very intelligent, super plot twisting author. They'll see. Just wait until they see my final installment. There is no way anyone will see this one coming. *shakes with maniacal laughter*

**Jacob:** He also said to warn you "we'll be watching"… _God that's creepy. I mean, it's one thing for me to fantasize about watching her all the time, but my dad? Weird._

**Bella:** Sorry you had to do this.

**Edward:** I'll take it from here. _Not that I am at all threatened by you. I just want to dance with Bella, and that's all. Really. Am very confident with suave manliness._ Jacob irritates me.

**Bella:** Why?

**Edward:** He made me break my promise.

**browniechadowes:** *restrains FutureSequel!Bella as she shouts explicatives to Edward*

**Edward:** And he called you pretty. You're much more than beautiful. _Hah, beat that Jacob, not that it's a competition or anything._

**Bella:** So are you going to explain the reason for all of this?

**Edward:** _Nope, I am going to go off on a rant about twilight._ Twilight. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end. - Damn it, has my douche bag melodramaticness actually grown exponentially since the beginning of the parody?

**Bella:** Yes, yes it has my dear.

**Edward:** I brought you to the prom because I don't want you to miss anything.

**Bella:** Ummm I would never have gone on my own free will.

**Edward:** Do you ever do anything on your own free will?

**Bella:** Good point.

**Edward:** What did you think I was dressing you up for?

**Bella:** That you were going to change me, after all? Pretty please, Edward?

**Edward:** Are you really that willing?

**Bella:** *nod* hells ya.

**Edward:** Goddamnit Steph. One more God forsaken page. And this trite dribble?

**Steph:** *begins to speak*

**Edward:** *cuts her off* Oh just nevermind. _I'll get it over with fast. Like ripping off a bandaid._ *sighs* So ready for this to be the twilight of your life.

**Bella:** _Because this is so not a cliché thing to say,_ It's not the end, it's the beginning.

**Edward:** You ready now, then?

**Bella:** Yes.

**Edward:** *kisses neck* psych!

**Bella:** You suck.

**Edward:** I will stay with you – isn't that enough?

**FutureSequel!Bella:** *stares mutinously from her corner*

**Bella:** Enough for now.

**Edward:** I love you more than the world. Is that enough?

**Bella:** Yes, enough for forever.

**Edward:** Thank Holy Jesus Christ that's over.

**Bella:** I know. I mean *stares at manuscript* enough for forever? God, she's only seventeen.

**Edward: **Well, at least it's over.

**Bella:** No shit. We will never have to go through that crap again.

**browniechadowes:** ermmm *waves bottle of whiskey in front of Edward and Bella* you might be needing this. I think we're going to be doing New Moon.

**Edward and Bella:** Oh fuck.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

**browniechadowes:** Alright, all. That's it for Twilight. Depending on my mood I'll either be starting New Moon today, or might take a few days off. All just depends on how sarcastic I'm feeling. Thanks to everyone for all of the feedback. It's been great doing this parody, and everyone's been really supportive! Keep your eyes peeled for my next one. It's gonna be big. *winks*


	29. A Friendly Note

**A Friendly Note From browniechadowes:**

Hey everyone, if you enjoyed my fanfic and are not insulted by scrupulous amounts of tomato soup and vibrating cars, please feel free to read/comment on my continuation of this parody, "Stephenie Meyer and the Glitter of Doom". Stephenie would like to tell you that you should stop reading this abomination of a parody, Edward and Bella are busy getting off not touching each other in a corner, and Jessica would like to say fuck you all, and your mother… in the nicest way possible.

Thanks so much for all of your comments and support! It keeps me writing and smiling, even if in a perverted and sarcastic way… now, where is that loofa?


	30. Bother Bother Bother

**Bother Bother Bother**

Browniechadowes: Just an update. The third installment of my parodies, Stephenie Meyer and the Triangle of Shippiness, is complete. Feel free to check it out by clicking here: .net/s/4777922/1/Stephenie_Meyer_and_the_Triangle_of_Shippiness

Enjoy, and don't let Mike anywhere near you!


	31. Super Bear The End

**Super Bear's Fun Facts**

**Super Bear:** So, browniechadowes has allowed me, a completely super-fictional and drunken fiend, to come up with a list of random fun facts.

**Emmett**: So's we won' be depressed 'bout lack of fight.

**Penguin**: *loading up a beer bong* Or lack of strong plot.

**Unicorn:** Or lack of control of projectile vomit while reading it. *giving shot to kinolaughs*

**Super Bear**: Yeah, we'll rag on Breaking Dawn, but we're also doing random fun facts about the whole renegade series, guys.

**Emmett:** 'Cuz we's busy an' important like that.

**Sarcasm:** Translation: We're bored out of our fucking mind and can't stand that the parodies are actually over…

**Super Bear:** Drumroll please…

**Orchestra: ***drumrolls*

**Super Bear:** Why the phrase"our perfect forever" drives me up a fucking wall:

Bella is dead.

Edward is dead.

The whole Cullens are DEAD, CANIBALISTIC NON-HUMANS.

Jacob's a pedophile.

Quil's a pedophile.

Charlie's left in the dark, while diddling someone *cough* Sue *cough* who knows exactly what's going on.

Renesmee makes no "perfect" sense to me even after reading the whole damn book.

Leah basically is the root of the phrase "screwed the pooch". Sam and Emily skip off into "perfect forever"-ness, and Leah gets to strip in front of her brother.

Ummm Volturi showdown… not so much.

**Penguin:** Although if you look at the list, Edward and Bella's "perfect forever" isn't really affected by any of those.

**Emmett:** I wann'ed a Volturi showdown damnit.

**Super Bear:** How Many Made Up Characters browniechadowes Accidentally Birthed in Four Parodies:

Me, of course *takes a bow* (Introduced in "Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass in GoD)

Awkward crickets (Introduced in "The Sea of Awkward Crickets" in GoD)

Browniechadowes' inner funny (Introduced in "Someone Stole my Inner Funny!" in GoD)

Penguin (Introduced in "Penguins Kick Ass" in ToS)

Unicorn (Introduced in "Unicorn and Edward's Box" in UoS)

Edward's Balls (Introduced in "Future Jacob and Desperate Edward" in UoS)

Sarcasm (Introduced in "Pokemon Chatrooms" in UoS)

**Super Bear: **Cuss words:

(damn, hell, crap, and suck don't count… because they don't tick up enough on the dirty meter… and neither does fucking "holy crow" *rolls eyes*)

Bastard: 6

Fuck (ed, ing): 88

Bullshit: 7

Shit (ty): 57

Ass(-tards): 78 (mainly from Mike and Sam… surprise surprise)

Bitch(es, ing,y): 55

(Sun-)Whore (-slut,ing): 29

Slut-bag: 1

Blow job: 3

Piss(ed): 14

Ho-bag: 1

Twat: 1

Fucktard: 2

Badass: 18

Cock(-tease, block): 8

Slut: 13

Cunt: 2

Asshole: 17

Anus (just because it sounds dirty): 4

Vag: 1

Douche bag (Bag o' douche): 12

Prick: 7

Coital (post,pre,present…he he): 8

Stumblefuck(ed,edness)*: 19

Penis (*giggle*): 2

Ass-plant: 1

Dumbass: 21

Dick: 9

Pussy(ing): 6

Blow(ing): 15

*sidenote: Quil and Embry: *calling Bella* Hottie McStumblefuck

(Shouldn't Have Had Second Helpings of Priest(RC), Never Gonna Happen (GoD), Someone Stole My Inner Funny!(GoD), have 0 real cuss words)

That makes for a grand total of… 534 cuss words… hmmm not as bad as once presumed.

**Super Bear:** Sexual Things:

Loofah, ice cream, cool whip, tomato soup, ice cubes, the Rabbit, Sam's anatomically correct doll, rubber duck, furbie, spaghetti sauce, Mike's black object, velveeta, blood.

**Super Bear: **Now, Jessica? Jessica!?! Come here. I'm giving you one chance to spout off everything you've ever said about Bella.

**Jessica:** About fucking time, Super Bear. *takes deep breath*:

"You are the pus in my pimple"

"You are the blood in my tampon"

"You are the fangirl to a shitty plot."

"You are the abscess to my infected tooth"

"…catheter to my urethra."

"She's the bamboo shoot to my Chinese torture"

"You are the STD to my vagina"

"You are the chunks in my vomit"

"You maggot in my expired mashed potatoes"

"You are the hose to my enema"

"You are the infected toe nail to my pedicure"

A la Lauren: "You are the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound"

"She's the mold to my gouda cheese"

"You fucking knife to my lobotomy"

"You blade to my guillotine"

"…scissors to my castration"

"You razor burn to my armpits"

"You leprosy stricken scarlet woman"

"You are the psoriasis to my liver"

"You are the salt to my bloody cut"

"You sty in my eye"

"She is as comfortable as a UTI"

"She is the tear in a condom"

"Bitch, die"

"You infected needle to my heroin addiction"

A la Paul: "She is the probe to my colonoscopy"

"You crusted over syphilis sore"

"Stupid tapeworm to my colon"

"Venereal disease infested slut of a bastard child"

**Super Bear:** And now, from the mormon herself, a list of That's What She Said, taken directly out of S. Meyer's manuscript:

Bella: I don't like the cold, or the wet.

Edward: You're not going to let it go, are you?

Edward: I'll come for you soon.

Bella's inner monologue: Had Emmett always been so… big?

Bella: Dad, I'm all wet.

Jacob: Come inside! You're making me wet.

Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up., Jacob: It will when you're moving.

Bella: He (Jacob) looked huge.

Bella: What's the hardest part?

Bella: Is it hard?

Bella: Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.

Edward: I could take a look, if you like.

Mike: Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?

Jacob: Come again?

Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all though.

Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.

Bella: Jacob was heavy. And hot.

Charlie: You coming, too, Edward?

Bella: Jacob's head is really hard.

Edward: It's hard and cold.

Bella: I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.

Bella: Jacob's more cunning-

Bella: Seth was… faking?

Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about some things… that were hard.

Alice: Go play with Edward.

Charlie: Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.

In SM&UoS (at the wedding) Bella (to Jacob): I'm just so happy you came. It makes me very happy that you came. When did you decide to come?

Alice: Come with me, Bella.

Edward: The Volturi are coming.

Vladimir: And hope we get lucky.

In SM&UoS, Vladimir: They did come., Stefan: All of them, together.

Edward: I have something more to offer.

**Super Bear:** Oh, the cringe-worthy, trying feebly to be funny, times. Here are some of Stephenie's lame jokes *takes a shot*:

Edward: No blood, no foul.

Edward: So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckles*

Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Bella: Will you turn into a bat?

In SM&TRC: Bella: *attempts lame joke by pretending to be scared of Edward*, Edward: *attempts to lamely play along to lame joke, causing overall lame attempt at humor.

Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly bear.

In SM&TRC: Bella: Vampires like baseball?, Edward: It's the American pastime.

Bella: Don't I taste as good as I smell?

Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.

Bella: So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?

Bella: Do you think there's some mutated grizzly out there?

Alice: Well, that's ironic. It's St. Marcus' Day.

Bella: Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.

Bella: We're a bit sensitive to blood around here.

Embry: Hey, vampire girl!

Edward: Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.

Edward: Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

Alice: Didn't break the skin. Trust me.

Bella: I'll be the one in white.

Jasper: Just a few mountain lions. A couple grizzly bears.

**Super Bear:** *browsing very smutty and disturbing fanfics* Let's not judge now, we all know after a few drinks, some of these pairings have crossed our minds. Here are the Unconventional Ships that seemed to happen in the Renegade Characters:

Bella/Jacob

Edward/Mike

Alice/Bella

Esme/Bella

Charlie/Alice

Dream!Bella/Victoria

Sam/non-consensual harem

Jessica/Lauren

Edward/Charlie

Aro/Edward

Aro/Carlisle

Aro/Marcus

Aro/Bella

Aro/Alice

Aro/Mike

Aro/Amun

Aro/Renesmee

Aro/Garrett

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So, Aro pretty much gets around more than even stumblefuck Bella here.

**Aro:** Are you suggesting I'm a… floozy?

**Super Bear:** *ignoring Aro* Anyways… so continuing with the Ship list:

Stephenie Meyer/Caius

Bella/Carlisle

Charlie/Jacob

Mike/Jacob

Mike/Mike's mom/Bella

Jacob/Edward/Bella

Edward/Jacob

Rosalie/Bella

Edward/Emmett

Alice/Jacob

Peter/Charlotte/Jasper

Edward/Mr. Varner

Edward/Seth

Charlie/Renee

Tanya/Edward

Tanya/Bella

Bella/Bella

Bella/Mr. Jenks

Garrett/Kate

Felix/Bella

Tanya/Caius

**Super Bear:** *shudders and takes tequila shot* So wrong, yet so right. Here are all of the sexual laws broken:

Necrophilia

Statutory Rape

Polygamy

Incest

Pedophilia

Bestiality

**Super Bear:** No it's not everyone in the series, but it is quite a few…

**Edward:** Hey!

**Edward's balls:** Well, it is true…

**Super Bear:** I give you: People Who Mistake Edward for Gay:

Jacob

Mike

Bella

Emmett

Charlie

Jasper

Aro

Marcus

Alice

Carlisle

Renesmee

Caius

Tanya

Edward's balls

Edward

**Super Bear:** Random documents that made their way into the series:

All 4 novels, of course

Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass

"Why I Should or Shouldn't Become a Vampire" list

Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan

"Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Fucktard o' Love" list

Humor for Dummies

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So… I guess that's the end of it. Browniechadowes asked me to give a special thanks to all of those who have been with her throughout the whole series, especially kinolaughs, LaniLynne, and Kayanne.

**browniechadowes:** *passing shots out to all devoted readers* And I am definitely up for suggestions for another story. If you leave me a review with a suggestion, I'll mull it over. And be sure to check out my other story, Self-inflection and Sysygies… I'm revamping (haha no pun intended) Bella, big time.

THANKS FOR READING & REVIEWING! 


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